Leave the past behind you

Recently all my friends have been upset or depressed or just generally had dramatic weeks. I feel so bad for all of them, I want to help but I don't know how. I keep ending up isolating myself out of fear.



I've gone to pyschologist for a while, I think about 10 years or so. They say a lot of stuff is wrong with me, but frankly I don't care. The only thing that I know they were definately write about is the depression. But I refuse to take anti-depressants, I've been down that road before and I hate it.



Anti-depressants make you feel so empty, like your a shell, you care even less about things then you did when you were regularlly depressed. I also thought more about killing myself while on those meds then in any other time in my life. So I said a big SCREW YOU to them and haven't taken them in years. I don't need to. Not because I don't get depressed, but because they won't help me even when I do.



One thing going to shrinks taught me, was how to tell when I'm depressed and to look for the cause. It's weird thinking back on how bad I use to be. When I was changing into my pajamas today I looked down and saw 2 things, a scar from my surgery and the cuts i had willingly inflicted upon myself.



None of my friends see these scars, they don't bother to look and I'm greatful. They're not in the typical cutter places. I didn't want to be caught, so why cut somewhere plainly visible. I cut my hips, my thighs. Places no one sees unless I'm undressing and you're specifically looking. Teachers were never the wiser, nor friends. Most of them still don't know and wouldn't if i continued.



It's been 4 years since 10 of my friends took their lives in a sucide pact, and what have I learned from it? Nothing. I still get depressed. I still have my notebook with the list of every way I could kill myself using things in my room sitting on my bedstand. I'm no different then back then, except now I can hide it better.



How do you get yourself out of therapy? Simple. Learn to act. I have this one personality that never ever gets sad. It gets my through my days, my friends see me and I smile and talk and my teachers see me and I volunteer and socialize. I'm your average American teenager. My mom comes home and I'm on the computer happily chatting with my friends, watching TV and listening to my ipod. No one thinks anything of it.



Most of the time, my other side stays quiet, so much so I even forget it's there. But I get run down, and overwhelmed, and I can't take it. Something dumb will trigger it and i'll just come home and cry, silently of course because we wouldn't want the parents to notice. I curl up in a ball, and IM my friends, continuing whatever mindless conversation we are having, but while I wait for their responses I can't help but look at the container of pills sitting on my desk drawer and wonder what if.



What sucks about being depressed and knowing it, is you feel like there's always something you did wrong to cause it. You just want to feel happy and good and smile because then you know there's a chance in hell that you can actually survive. But then you'll laugh or smile and hate yourself for it, there's no reason to laugh! Your life is crap! Why are you laughing and smiling when as soon as you stop thinking about the joke or w/e made you laugh you'll go back to remember the test you bombed, how you have no chance to get into college, you have no one to be with when all your friends do, you're a perpetual third wheel, the people you closest to are dispursed across the state, country, and world. The list never ends.



But you have to be strong, it's what I'm known for after all. I can't be upset until my friends are taken care of. That's just how it is. Them first, me last. So for now, I can't be upset, after all my birthdays next friday and who would want that? I was already depressed last time we were all together, i don't want to be like that again. I want to laugh and smile and truely mean it. I don't want to have to worry about whether I'm smiling when everyone's watching me, it would be such a relief it i could just be me. But for now I can't. I'll have to wait until I'm normal and happy.

Anyway I'm going to stop now before I start rambling and this all becomes mindless nonsense.