From this day on, now and forever more

You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say, you'll be in my heart, always. ~ Phil Collins

I've been doing a lot of thinking in matters of the heart, not just love, but relationships and everything. It's interesting because I have such good friends (see blog post below) and my family who I love to pieces, my life seems to be going so well. But I've come to terms with something recently that I've known for a while, but haven't really dealt with.

Death, for me, is a very really possiblity. No not in terms of suicide or anything morose like that. But cancer.....well....morality rate is rather high. It's sad to think that I might lose all these relationships earlier then I need to. I think that's the worst part of death, or knowing about death in advance. It gives you time to reflect.

Now, as spring nears, many of my friends are starting the joyous college acceptance process, I don't get that. I mean yes I get accepted, but I don't get to decide where or when I want to go. I have to stay nearby, so I have doctors...I don't get a choice, already me being sick is starting to limit my freedom and I hate it.

The thing about it is, I don't want to be stuck I hate being stuck, I hate being weak and I hate more then anything being dependant. I NEED to be able to go where I want when I want, but recently, I haven't been able to because I've been getting sick too weak to do anything. Already I can tell because my immune system has been shot, it's taken me weeks to get over a cold that normally takes me days, and I'm still not over it yet.

It's getting to me slowly and while it's not depressing or sad, I'm just, missing things. I want to be able to go to a four year college. I want to GRADUATE. I want a relationship like the ones in all those stupid movies that you see with a happily ever after marriage. But right now what I'm stuck with is hoping I make it to 20......A walk to remember is on now as I type this, I find myself relating to Jamie more then I'd like.

I'm sighing now, I really hope this doesn't come off as depressing because I don't mean it to at all....I just wanted to send this out into the cosmos I guess and just let it go. I don't talk about it, not with anyone, because really who wants to be friends with cancer girl if she's going to be a downer right? I go on living, it's what they tell you to do. But I hear reminders everywhere.

Kids talking about donating their hair, hair that one day I could be wearing....stupid stuff, "chewing gum gives you cancer" really cuz I love gum, oh wait I'm cancer girl, no duh. But no one knows and I never say anything, I don't want to end up a yearbook dedication page, or some stupid plaque on the wall of my high school. I want to make it to a renunion.

I always wonder, now that the movie is back on, whether I should do like Jamie does and isolate myself, relationshipwise. It would make it easier for people that's for sure. Then again there are a limited number of people who will be effected, 5 or 6 at the most and then family, but they don't even know, so what does it matter.

Death isn't scary you know, at least not to me, leaving everything I love, that's hard. The thought makes my breath catch in my chest, my lungs tighten and my throat gets all dry, I love my sisters and brothers and boyfriend and other friends so much....I just, hate the thought of them in pain. Sometimes I want to disappear, just so it's better for them.

Lately I've found myself withdrawing from life and it is through no fault of anyone but myself but I've began thinking that I need to be by myself for the best and plus why make the commitment when you never know, right?

This is turning out entirely too depressing for my liking so I'm going to end it here with some more lyrics.

I will be here, don't you cry...this bond between us can't be broken, I will be here don't you cry. ~ Phil Collins