Recently all my friends have been upset or depressed or just generally had dramatic weeks. I feel so bad for all of them, I want to help but I don't know how. I keep ending up isolating myself out of fear.
I've gone to pyschologist for a while, I think about 10 years or so. They say a lot of stuff is wrong with me, but frankly I don't care. The only thing that I know they were definately write about is the depression. But I refuse to take anti-depressants, I've been down that road before and I hate it.
Anti-depressants make you feel so empty, like your a shell, you care even less about things then you did when you were regularlly depressed. I also thought more about killing myself while on those meds then in any other time in my life. So I said a big SCREW YOU to them and haven't taken them in years. I don't need to. Not because I don't get depressed, but because they won't help me even when I do.
One thing going to shrinks taught me, was how to tell when I'm depressed and to look for the cause. It's weird thinking back on how bad I use to be. When I was changing into my pajamas today I looked down and saw 2 things, a scar from my surgery and the cuts i had willingly inflicted upon myself.
None of my friends see these scars, they don't bother to look and I'm greatful. They're not in the typical cutter places. I didn't want to be caught, so why cut somewhere plainly visible. I cut my hips, my thighs. Places no one sees unless I'm undressing and you're specifically looking. Teachers were never the wiser, nor friends. Most of them still don't know and wouldn't if i continued.
It's been 4 years since 10 of my friends took their lives in a sucide pact, and what have I learned from it? Nothing. I still get depressed. I still have my notebook with the list of every way I could kill myself using things in my room sitting on my bedstand. I'm no different then back then, except now I can hide it better.
How do you get yourself out of therapy? Simple. Learn to act. I have this one personality that never ever gets sad. It gets my through my days, my friends see me and I smile and talk and my teachers see me and I volunteer and socialize. I'm your average American teenager. My mom comes home and I'm on the computer happily chatting with my friends, watching TV and listening to my ipod. No one thinks anything of it.
Most of the time, my other side stays quiet, so much so I even forget it's there. But I get run down, and overwhelmed, and I can't take it. Something dumb will trigger it and i'll just come home and cry, silently of course because we wouldn't want the parents to notice. I curl up in a ball, and IM my friends, continuing whatever mindless conversation we are having, but while I wait for their responses I can't help but look at the container of pills sitting on my desk drawer and wonder what if.
What sucks about being depressed and knowing it, is you feel like there's always something you did wrong to cause it. You just want to feel happy and good and smile because then you know there's a chance in hell that you can actually survive. But then you'll laugh or smile and hate yourself for it, there's no reason to laugh! Your life is crap! Why are you laughing and smiling when as soon as you stop thinking about the joke or w/e made you laugh you'll go back to remember the test you bombed, how you have no chance to get into college, you have no one to be with when all your friends do, you're a perpetual third wheel, the people you closest to are dispursed across the state, country, and world. The list never ends.
But you have to be strong, it's what I'm known for after all. I can't be upset until my friends are taken care of. That's just how it is. Them first, me last. So for now, I can't be upset, after all my birthdays next friday and who would want that? I was already depressed last time we were all together, i don't want to be like that again. I want to laugh and smile and truely mean it. I don't want to have to worry about whether I'm smiling when everyone's watching me, it would be such a relief it i could just be me. But for now I can't. I'll have to wait until I'm normal and happy.
Anyway I'm going to stop now before I start rambling and this all becomes mindless nonsense.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
I Predict A Riot
Now don't tell anyone, but this might actually be a happy, positive blog. -gasp- I know it's amazing. I'm mainly writing about how bored I am. BUT on the bright side school starts Thursday. SENIORS OH NINE BABY! I can't wait, one of the good things about my school, is no matter how much we all hate each other, we get along pretty well. So I can't wait to see everyone back from summer vacation and miss everyone who left (John Aponte, we miss you, come back from hickville).
Can you believe that after this school year I'll be in college? Creepy huh? I'll be living out of state most likely and our whole gang will be spliting up to go our different ways. But the scariest part is I'm not really worried about my furture. I was already accepted to two colleges so I have fall backs. I can have Senioritis starting Septemember because I've already been accepted, gross huh?
Lets see what else should I talk about. Oh the characters in my story are evil, and don't want to let me write any more because they're throwing hissy fits. Don't you hate it when that happens? Apparently the "e" button on my keyboard is being tempermental, I'll have to fix that later.
OH OK! I know what to write about. On Thursday I gave Dan, yes the same Dan previously mentioned. A make over because he realized he had the fashion sense of a stump. So we, I had to drag my friend Crystal along because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it myself, go to the mall and first off we can't find him in the parking lot. So after about 15 minutes of crappy directions we finally find him and go into JC Penny.
We get him some nice clothes, like a modified skater style. We're there for about 45 minutes and are checking out and he asks all happily "Ok are we done now?" and the saddest part was HE BELIEVED WE WERE ONLY GOING TO ONE STORE. The cashier is cracking up and so is the lady behind us and we just drag him out. Now you think that would be his one bit of stupidity for the day, but no Dan exceeds expectations.
He asks us who came up with the rules for layering (We were in Aeropastle' which by the way he'd never heard of). And the clerk is just like "it's not rules it's just common sense" and walks away. Then a few minutes later he's yelling about Prince Alberts.....great just what we need to be discussing in the middle of Aero.
Finally we drag him to Old Navy, where we asked him how many pairs of Jeans he has and he tells us 5, not bad....But then he tells us he only wears two because "When you first put on the other ones they're STIFF" can you believe him. I wanted to find the nearest pointy object and impale my head on it. So finally after 3 and 1/2 hours and blood sweat and tears, daniel had some nice clothes. Now we're walking back to JC Penny and his dad calls APPARENTLY this was all suppose to be a suprise/ secret. So he told his dad he was going to see a movie, by himself.
However because he's an idiot when he gets home he leaves the bags where anyone could see it. Now he's stuck putting on a fashion show for his mom, who, compliments our makeover abilities. Then he IMs me and says "Can I have a list of what shirts go with what pants.....i forgot."
Can you believe that after this school year I'll be in college? Creepy huh? I'll be living out of state most likely and our whole gang will be spliting up to go our different ways. But the scariest part is I'm not really worried about my furture. I was already accepted to two colleges so I have fall backs. I can have Senioritis starting Septemember because I've already been accepted, gross huh?
Lets see what else should I talk about. Oh the characters in my story are evil, and don't want to let me write any more because they're throwing hissy fits. Don't you hate it when that happens? Apparently the "e" button on my keyboard is being tempermental, I'll have to fix that later.
OH OK! I know what to write about. On Thursday I gave Dan, yes the same Dan previously mentioned. A make over because he realized he had the fashion sense of a stump. So we, I had to drag my friend Crystal along because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it myself, go to the mall and first off we can't find him in the parking lot. So after about 15 minutes of crappy directions we finally find him and go into JC Penny.
We get him some nice clothes, like a modified skater style. We're there for about 45 minutes and are checking out and he asks all happily "Ok are we done now?" and the saddest part was HE BELIEVED WE WERE ONLY GOING TO ONE STORE. The cashier is cracking up and so is the lady behind us and we just drag him out. Now you think that would be his one bit of stupidity for the day, but no Dan exceeds expectations.
He asks us who came up with the rules for layering (We were in Aeropastle' which by the way he'd never heard of). And the clerk is just like "it's not rules it's just common sense" and walks away. Then a few minutes later he's yelling about Prince Alberts.....great just what we need to be discussing in the middle of Aero.
Finally we drag him to Old Navy, where we asked him how many pairs of Jeans he has and he tells us 5, not bad....But then he tells us he only wears two because "When you first put on the other ones they're STIFF" can you believe him. I wanted to find the nearest pointy object and impale my head on it. So finally after 3 and 1/2 hours and blood sweat and tears, daniel had some nice clothes. Now we're walking back to JC Penny and his dad calls APPARENTLY this was all suppose to be a suprise/ secret. So he told his dad he was going to see a movie, by himself.
However because he's an idiot when he gets home he leaves the bags where anyone could see it. Now he's stuck putting on a fashion show for his mom, who, compliments our makeover abilities. Then he IMs me and says "Can I have a list of what shirts go with what pants.....i forgot."
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
changing fate installment 1
This is a story I started writing last year. I hate it but a certain friend (Kamali) will kill me if I don't post it so she can read. I kind of value my life so here it is,
CHANGING FATE
Prologue
Caylix stood there coffee in one hand, green spiral notebook (with pen shoved in the bindings) in the other. She looked around at the other fourteen students who stood in the obnoxiously clean, bright, white room, each one looking more awkward then the next. Their eyes shifted from each other, to the black and white clock, which read some ungodly hour, to the professor.
Somewhere in the distance Lix heard a buzzer along with some grunting, through the small rectangular window she saw a mass of orange jumpsuits. She sighed, what had she gotten herself into. She backed away from the door as a uniformed arm opened it. The unsmiling crowd shuffled in and stood opposite Caylix and the other college students.
Caylix's red hair singled her out in the crowd of black and brown haired people, but there was one thing, jailed or not, that everyone had in common, they were all...young.....too young, in her opinion. She pouted her rose-colored lips and her eyebrows scrunched her freckled forehead, these kids should being in college, what were they doing in a maximum security prison in New York.
Professor Gann slowly but confidently ambled over to someone Lix only assumed could be the prison warden. The two spoke quickly, judging by the furious movements over their mouths, and quietly. Soon enough the pair separated and went to their respective groups.
“Well then guys and gals, what's going to happen is this, Warden Gerber over there is going to read a name of a prisoner of his list and I will read a name off of mine, you two will then become best friends. You're job is to listen to them, be their friends, they're all around your age so it should not be so hard. Visit them once a week at least and try to visit on or around the holidays, most of these guys don't have family to visit them so you're gonna take that place. It's only October so there are plenty of holidays coming up to celebrate, now I'll talk to everyone more once we get back to the University, right now I'm wasting time,” He said as he walked back over to the officer.
They both pulled out clipboards and scrolled down it with a finger, if the atmosphere wasn't so creepy and silent and eerie for lack of a better term, Caylix would have laughed. The was an intake of breath from everyone in the room as the first pair was called. The red head leaned against the wall one of the joys of having a last name starting with W was that you always had time to kill when it came to things like partners.
Caylix stopped her humming and tuned back in around the Ts waiting to hear her name, and about thirty seconds later, it was called. “Caylix Wiliston,” at the same time as the warden barked “Cain Rutherford.”
Her head snapped up as she looked for the inmate that responded to that name, it couldn't be her Cain. Her Cain was, well......not him. As her eyes finally stopped at the boy who had his arm raised at the elbow and his shaved head pointed down toward his ratty, tattering sneakers, her heart stopped. Her Cain, was there.
Head down and eyes on the floor, she dragged herself over to her new, 'best friend'. It was going to be a long semester, that was for sure.
Chapter 1
Cain snorted, just his luck. He had lived in the city for about three years now, two of which he had been in this prison, and the first human contact he got that wasn't a fellow inmate or staffer was the one person who actually knew him. He followed the rest of the inmates as they left the waiting room and went into a room that was normally for lawyers. On this occasion however, it was set up with fourteen smaller tables with two chairs at each. There were already two guards by the doors when the crowd entered the Plexiglas walled room.
Cain decided the gods actually hated him, he had always thought it was just a mutual dislike thing going on, but if there was any god who liked him they would have prevented this travesty from occurring. Travesty, yes travesty he wasn't stupid he knew what the word travesty meant. Anyway he needed to focus on the matters at hand. He took a seat at a table in the middle of the room, plopping himself down heavily in the ice-cold uncomfortable folding chair and slouching, his body giving of the ultimate sense of apathy. He didn't even look to see if Caylix was following, she would be, he knew it.
No sooner had he finished that thought he heard the scraping on metal on linoleum and a soft sigh as a pair of freckled hands appeared on the table in his line of vision. He looked up smirking, taking in the girl for the first time. Her haircut was short and jagged, making it look constantly windswept, her eyes were the same emerald green he remembered from all those years ago. She definitely had grown up though, she looked good, he wasn't going to lie.
“So,” Cain began lacing his fingers together and resting them behind his head, the smirk never leaving his face.
“So,” Caylix said staring at the boy a questioning look on her face as she tried to determine what happened to the boy. Eventually, she sighed in defeat, “What happened to you Cain? Last time I saw you was the end of high school 3 years ago.....”
That was all Cain needed to hear, his mind was off. Thinking of the first time he had met Lix. He had been six and it was the summer before kindergarten. He remembered it was a hot day because he had been running around in his power rangers swimsuit, chasing his older brother Alex, through the sprinkler. Cain loved summer, he was always fond of warm weather, ever since he was a baby or so his parents said.
The big white truck that shadowed the brothers was an unusual sight one Belladonna Avenue and Cain remembered watching in fascination as the sixteen-wheeled contraption pulled into the drive across the street from him. It was old man Schuler's house, but he had gone into a home a few months ago and the house had been empty ever since. A small blue car followed the truck and parked on the side of the road, out stepped a man in a suit, a mother wearing a similar suit in white and pink and a little redheaded girl in a frilly green dress that matched her eyes.
She looked like one of those dolls that Cain saw the girls play with a preschool, except she was somehow, better. She seemed to glow like she was some kind of star or something. Mesmerized, Cain made his way to start across the street and talk to the girl, after all Mom always told him to make new friends. He had one foot off the curb when he felt his brother pull him back.
“You're not allowed to cross the street Cain,” Alex said, playing the protective older brother, as always. Cain responded by pouting, which lead Alex to get their mother.
“Cain.....Cain....are you there, earth to Cain Rutherford,” the melodic voice snapping him out of his flashbacks.
Chapter 2
“Wha?” Cain said shaking his head in an attempt to get the memory out of his mind, but ultimately failing.
“I said,” Caylix began as she put her notebook and camera down on the plastic table, “What happened to you? I mean I knew you were in trouble but I never knew it was this bad.”
“Well....” The boy began with a sigh and a mysterious look, like he was trying to remember.
Caylix remembered, she remembered everything, including the first day they met. They had moved from The Hamptons down into New Jersey because father had wanted a change. She had been wearing one of her favorite dresses: a heavy forest green babydoll with white lace trim and collars.
She had gotten out of the car and looked around, the grass was so green it almost matched her dress, it was very hot and sunny where ever they were. She looked around and across the street there were two boys playing in the sprinkler. One of the boys was staring at her, so she quickly ran and hid behind her mother, hoping that when she peered around he would be gone.
When Caylix peered around her mother she found she was right, sort of. The boy had obviously left but he came back with mother in hand. So she retreated once more.
The mothers talked pleasantly, relating over their children and this little small town and while the were clucking like hens the boy had broken away from his mother. He was now grabbing Caylix's hand “Hi I'm Cain and that's my brother Alex over there in the sprinkler, I'll take you to meet him,” the rambling young boy said as he began pulling her toward his front yard.
Caylix pulled her arm out of the boy's grasp remaining silent as she went back to her mother, glaring at the boy the whole time.
“Hello Lixy? Wake up, I asked why you were here on a Saturday as oppose to out doing what sensational college students normally partake in,” Cain said his smug smile growing as he talked to the girl.
Caylix groaned and glared, “I told you never to call me that. I'm here as a project for my sociology class and yes this is for a grade so please even though it's hard for you, try not to be a jerk. I need this course to graduate.”
Cain kept his lax demeanor, for someone in prison he sure seemed like he was having a good time, “Whatever you say babycakes, so we done here yet?”
Chapter 3
“Honestly do you ever pay attention Cain,” Caylix said. “I'm going to be here at least once a week maybe more. If you didn't care about this then why did you sign up for the program? This is a serious..”
“Three years and you still haven't stopped nagging. Was there ever a day in your life where you actually had fun,” Cain asked.
“Yes,” Caylix said stubbornly, “The first day of school.”
“God you are such a nerd,” the boy snarled.
“Not because of school, do you even remember that day?”
“Yes that was the day our mothers planned our wedding and future because we walked to school holding hands.”
“Really, that's all you remember,” Caylix said eying him, genuinely curious.
“Nothing else happened,” Cain said plainly. He saw the girl's mouth open, no doubt to disagree with what he said, but as she did a buzzer sounded causing the girl to jump and Cain to laugh.
A voice sounded out over the speaker system, “We're going to call that a day guys, please get your inmates name and basic information and plan your next visit. Then report to the waiting room so we can stop for breakfast,” the voice instructed.
The girl across the table sighed, “Alright Cain, when do you have visiting hours,” she asked pulling her pen out from behind her ear.
“Whenever you're here, I'm here Lixy,” he said a confident smile playing at his features, “just call me and I'll be there. I'm sure you can fill out the rest of my information with your eyes closed. Later doll,” he said getting up from the table and going to talk to the guards who smiled as he approached.
After a few minutes he chanced a look back at and saw the girl flabbergasted and frozen in place, he couldn't help but laugh. He turned back to the guard and explained the situation to them,
they in turn laughed appreciatively finding the same humor in the situation as Cain had.
He waited as the the groups filed out, and as Caylix passed him, a look of determined hatred on her face and he arched an eyebrow at the guards a mischievous smirk on his face as he smacked the girl's butt, “Later toots.”
Caylix turned back to him mouth agape as she left in a huff.
“Couldn't help it,” he said to the guards as he left the room and went out to smoke, smiling to himself quite satisfied with the events of the early morning.
CHANGING FATE
Prologue
Caylix stood there coffee in one hand, green spiral notebook (with pen shoved in the bindings) in the other. She looked around at the other fourteen students who stood in the obnoxiously clean, bright, white room, each one looking more awkward then the next. Their eyes shifted from each other, to the black and white clock, which read some ungodly hour, to the professor.
Somewhere in the distance Lix heard a buzzer along with some grunting, through the small rectangular window she saw a mass of orange jumpsuits. She sighed, what had she gotten herself into. She backed away from the door as a uniformed arm opened it. The unsmiling crowd shuffled in and stood opposite Caylix and the other college students.
Caylix's red hair singled her out in the crowd of black and brown haired people, but there was one thing, jailed or not, that everyone had in common, they were all...young.....too young, in her opinion. She pouted her rose-colored lips and her eyebrows scrunched her freckled forehead, these kids should being in college, what were they doing in a maximum security prison in New York.
Professor Gann slowly but confidently ambled over to someone Lix only assumed could be the prison warden. The two spoke quickly, judging by the furious movements over their mouths, and quietly. Soon enough the pair separated and went to their respective groups.
“Well then guys and gals, what's going to happen is this, Warden Gerber over there is going to read a name of a prisoner of his list and I will read a name off of mine, you two will then become best friends. You're job is to listen to them, be their friends, they're all around your age so it should not be so hard. Visit them once a week at least and try to visit on or around the holidays, most of these guys don't have family to visit them so you're gonna take that place. It's only October so there are plenty of holidays coming up to celebrate, now I'll talk to everyone more once we get back to the University, right now I'm wasting time,” He said as he walked back over to the officer.
They both pulled out clipboards and scrolled down it with a finger, if the atmosphere wasn't so creepy and silent and eerie for lack of a better term, Caylix would have laughed. The was an intake of breath from everyone in the room as the first pair was called. The red head leaned against the wall one of the joys of having a last name starting with W was that you always had time to kill when it came to things like partners.
Caylix stopped her humming and tuned back in around the Ts waiting to hear her name, and about thirty seconds later, it was called. “Caylix Wiliston,” at the same time as the warden barked “Cain Rutherford.”
Her head snapped up as she looked for the inmate that responded to that name, it couldn't be her Cain. Her Cain was, well......not him. As her eyes finally stopped at the boy who had his arm raised at the elbow and his shaved head pointed down toward his ratty, tattering sneakers, her heart stopped. Her Cain, was there.
Head down and eyes on the floor, she dragged herself over to her new, 'best friend'. It was going to be a long semester, that was for sure.
Chapter 1
Cain snorted, just his luck. He had lived in the city for about three years now, two of which he had been in this prison, and the first human contact he got that wasn't a fellow inmate or staffer was the one person who actually knew him. He followed the rest of the inmates as they left the waiting room and went into a room that was normally for lawyers. On this occasion however, it was set up with fourteen smaller tables with two chairs at each. There were already two guards by the doors when the crowd entered the Plexiglas walled room.
Cain decided the gods actually hated him, he had always thought it was just a mutual dislike thing going on, but if there was any god who liked him they would have prevented this travesty from occurring. Travesty, yes travesty he wasn't stupid he knew what the word travesty meant. Anyway he needed to focus on the matters at hand. He took a seat at a table in the middle of the room, plopping himself down heavily in the ice-cold uncomfortable folding chair and slouching, his body giving of the ultimate sense of apathy. He didn't even look to see if Caylix was following, she would be, he knew it.
No sooner had he finished that thought he heard the scraping on metal on linoleum and a soft sigh as a pair of freckled hands appeared on the table in his line of vision. He looked up smirking, taking in the girl for the first time. Her haircut was short and jagged, making it look constantly windswept, her eyes were the same emerald green he remembered from all those years ago. She definitely had grown up though, she looked good, he wasn't going to lie.
“So,” Cain began lacing his fingers together and resting them behind his head, the smirk never leaving his face.
“So,” Caylix said staring at the boy a questioning look on her face as she tried to determine what happened to the boy. Eventually, she sighed in defeat, “What happened to you Cain? Last time I saw you was the end of high school 3 years ago.....”
That was all Cain needed to hear, his mind was off. Thinking of the first time he had met Lix. He had been six and it was the summer before kindergarten. He remembered it was a hot day because he had been running around in his power rangers swimsuit, chasing his older brother Alex, through the sprinkler. Cain loved summer, he was always fond of warm weather, ever since he was a baby or so his parents said.
The big white truck that shadowed the brothers was an unusual sight one Belladonna Avenue and Cain remembered watching in fascination as the sixteen-wheeled contraption pulled into the drive across the street from him. It was old man Schuler's house, but he had gone into a home a few months ago and the house had been empty ever since. A small blue car followed the truck and parked on the side of the road, out stepped a man in a suit, a mother wearing a similar suit in white and pink and a little redheaded girl in a frilly green dress that matched her eyes.
She looked like one of those dolls that Cain saw the girls play with a preschool, except she was somehow, better. She seemed to glow like she was some kind of star or something. Mesmerized, Cain made his way to start across the street and talk to the girl, after all Mom always told him to make new friends. He had one foot off the curb when he felt his brother pull him back.
“You're not allowed to cross the street Cain,” Alex said, playing the protective older brother, as always. Cain responded by pouting, which lead Alex to get their mother.
“Cain.....Cain....are you there, earth to Cain Rutherford,” the melodic voice snapping him out of his flashbacks.
Chapter 2
“Wha?” Cain said shaking his head in an attempt to get the memory out of his mind, but ultimately failing.
“I said,” Caylix began as she put her notebook and camera down on the plastic table, “What happened to you? I mean I knew you were in trouble but I never knew it was this bad.”
“Well....” The boy began with a sigh and a mysterious look, like he was trying to remember.
Caylix remembered, she remembered everything, including the first day they met. They had moved from The Hamptons down into New Jersey because father had wanted a change. She had been wearing one of her favorite dresses: a heavy forest green babydoll with white lace trim and collars.
She had gotten out of the car and looked around, the grass was so green it almost matched her dress, it was very hot and sunny where ever they were. She looked around and across the street there were two boys playing in the sprinkler. One of the boys was staring at her, so she quickly ran and hid behind her mother, hoping that when she peered around he would be gone.
When Caylix peered around her mother she found she was right, sort of. The boy had obviously left but he came back with mother in hand. So she retreated once more.
The mothers talked pleasantly, relating over their children and this little small town and while the were clucking like hens the boy had broken away from his mother. He was now grabbing Caylix's hand “Hi I'm Cain and that's my brother Alex over there in the sprinkler, I'll take you to meet him,” the rambling young boy said as he began pulling her toward his front yard.
Caylix pulled her arm out of the boy's grasp remaining silent as she went back to her mother, glaring at the boy the whole time.
“Hello Lixy? Wake up, I asked why you were here on a Saturday as oppose to out doing what sensational college students normally partake in,” Cain said his smug smile growing as he talked to the girl.
Caylix groaned and glared, “I told you never to call me that. I'm here as a project for my sociology class and yes this is for a grade so please even though it's hard for you, try not to be a jerk. I need this course to graduate.”
Cain kept his lax demeanor, for someone in prison he sure seemed like he was having a good time, “Whatever you say babycakes, so we done here yet?”
Chapter 3
“Honestly do you ever pay attention Cain,” Caylix said. “I'm going to be here at least once a week maybe more. If you didn't care about this then why did you sign up for the program? This is a serious..”
“Three years and you still haven't stopped nagging. Was there ever a day in your life where you actually had fun,” Cain asked.
“Yes,” Caylix said stubbornly, “The first day of school.”
“God you are such a nerd,” the boy snarled.
“Not because of school, do you even remember that day?”
“Yes that was the day our mothers planned our wedding and future because we walked to school holding hands.”
“Really, that's all you remember,” Caylix said eying him, genuinely curious.
“Nothing else happened,” Cain said plainly. He saw the girl's mouth open, no doubt to disagree with what he said, but as she did a buzzer sounded causing the girl to jump and Cain to laugh.
A voice sounded out over the speaker system, “We're going to call that a day guys, please get your inmates name and basic information and plan your next visit. Then report to the waiting room so we can stop for breakfast,” the voice instructed.
The girl across the table sighed, “Alright Cain, when do you have visiting hours,” she asked pulling her pen out from behind her ear.
“Whenever you're here, I'm here Lixy,” he said a confident smile playing at his features, “just call me and I'll be there. I'm sure you can fill out the rest of my information with your eyes closed. Later doll,” he said getting up from the table and going to talk to the guards who smiled as he approached.
After a few minutes he chanced a look back at and saw the girl flabbergasted and frozen in place, he couldn't help but laugh. He turned back to the guard and explained the situation to them,
they in turn laughed appreciatively finding the same humor in the situation as Cain had.
He waited as the the groups filed out, and as Caylix passed him, a look of determined hatred on her face and he arched an eyebrow at the guards a mischievous smirk on his face as he smacked the girl's butt, “Later toots.”
Caylix turned back to him mouth agape as she left in a huff.
“Couldn't help it,” he said to the guards as he left the room and went out to smoke, smiling to himself quite satisfied with the events of the early morning.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Lover Of My Soul
Soulmates, I have decided, are overrated. To quote one of my favorite shows ever, BARE "Not all tales have happy endings." Well, I've decided that means that not all soulmates are meant to stay together. You figure something like ten years of being in a relationship would mean something, but all that ends up happening is CRAP. I'm in a foul mood. Reading all my friends blogs about how worried they are about bringing kids into this world, and worrying about finding the right people. Knowing that I had that and lost it SUCKS hardcore.
Thomas as I shall now call him, and I dated for a decade, on and off. Yes that's right since I was 7 I've been with this boy. Our love life is more twisted then any book or soap opera you will ever read, so I will sum it up very briefly in a paragraph. We met in dance class, were paired up for duet competition. He moved away in 5th grade to tennessee, came back in 8th grade, we dated until spring of this year when his father decided that I was ruining his life. Daddy shipped him off to year round boarding school 3 states away. We broke up (on good terms) because we were making each other physically ill (long story that I won't get into). There are your basics.
Seriously though, after being together for ten years, I don't want to hear about your new girlfriend, or your excellent sex life. Sorry I'm wasn't willing to go that far, but if I didn't want to do that with someone I love why the hell would I want to read about it? I don't care if we were going to stay close friends and all this. I don't need to know this stuff. I ask you how everything is going with Cheryl and you say "Well." end of conversation. I don't need to know what you were doing in bed at the boarding school...and under the tree....and by the lake......
So for right now, while I continue to recieve these e-mails and put myself through the torture of reading them, I shall remain pessimistic. You know becoming and nun and working at an abbey is looking better by the day now. I wouldn't have to deal with college crap either....I wonder what qualifications you need to become a nun, other then being religious....
Thomas as I shall now call him, and I dated for a decade, on and off. Yes that's right since I was 7 I've been with this boy. Our love life is more twisted then any book or soap opera you will ever read, so I will sum it up very briefly in a paragraph. We met in dance class, were paired up for duet competition. He moved away in 5th grade to tennessee, came back in 8th grade, we dated until spring of this year when his father decided that I was ruining his life. Daddy shipped him off to year round boarding school 3 states away. We broke up (on good terms) because we were making each other physically ill (long story that I won't get into). There are your basics.
Seriously though, after being together for ten years, I don't want to hear about your new girlfriend, or your excellent sex life. Sorry I'm wasn't willing to go that far, but if I didn't want to do that with someone I love why the hell would I want to read about it? I don't care if we were going to stay close friends and all this. I don't need to know this stuff. I ask you how everything is going with Cheryl and you say "Well." end of conversation. I don't need to know what you were doing in bed at the boarding school...and under the tree....and by the lake......
So for right now, while I continue to recieve these e-mails and put myself through the torture of reading them, I shall remain pessimistic. You know becoming and nun and working at an abbey is looking better by the day now. I wouldn't have to deal with college crap either....I wonder what qualifications you need to become a nun, other then being religious....
Thursday, August 14, 2008
El Captain
That title so suits this blog. In case you don't know (I don't expect anyone who is not in band to know) El Captain is like THE marching band song. Today was day 2 of band camp YAY! My section (Mellophones though we hang with the trumpets because we try to keep all the awesome people together) is AMAZING. The new members work hard and do as their told and don't complain like ever. Even when we yell and scream and run around like crazy people. They're going to have serious biceps from standing at attention. Practice went well, they know their music and we got through 10 pages of our 44 page drill. If we keep going like that, we'll have the show done by Saturday morning which is amazing!
I went to a party afterward, it was a few of the kids from my grade, one girl from the grade below us and like ten people from the grade above us. Our whole group was really close, so because 10 of them are going off to college starting Friday ( *tear tear* ). So it was a goodbye party and we're sitting there talking about relationships who is with who and whatever. I guess something struck a nerve, I've been annoyed/depressed ever since I guess. I don't really know. I guess I'm just in a funk.
I don't know why I'm down in the dumps. Band is going well. I should be right as rain, yet I can't help feeling kind of lost i guess, if that makes sense. I'm not trying to be profound, just thinking as I type. I need someone to like just read my mind and tell me what I'm think and interpt it for me. Any takers?
I went to a party afterward, it was a few of the kids from my grade, one girl from the grade below us and like ten people from the grade above us. Our whole group was really close, so because 10 of them are going off to college starting Friday ( *tear tear* ). So it was a goodbye party and we're sitting there talking about relationships who is with who and whatever. I guess something struck a nerve, I've been annoyed/depressed ever since I guess. I don't really know. I guess I'm just in a funk.
I don't know why I'm down in the dumps. Band is going well. I should be right as rain, yet I can't help feeling kind of lost i guess, if that makes sense. I'm not trying to be profound, just thinking as I type. I need someone to like just read my mind and tell me what I'm think and interpt it for me. Any takers?
Sunday, July 13, 2008
A Glooming Peace
I'd been having a relatively good weekend, so of course that had to end because what God in their right mind would want me happy? I went down to get a drink to find my mom talking on the phone while watching tv on the couch. Now these actions in and of themselves were not unusual or unwelcomed. I tipped my head around the sofa to say Hi and she smiled saying that Pat was on the phone and he said hi.
Pat, there is no three letter word as vial as that one. Now don't get me wrong I'm not the type of kid who hates whoever their divorced parents are with because they're holding out for their parents to get back together. That's not my style. I've supported many relationships (though I liked very few of the people) that my mother or father have ventured into. But the problem is Pat is the devil. I know what you're thinking Pat doesn't look like devil. Well trust me, they're synonomus.
Pat is a shortish 5' 10" tanned, beer-bellied, dirty blonde, rugged guy. He is only a few inches taller then me and I doubt he has as much muscle as I do, if he does it's only from the work he rarely does.
See my mom dated Pat a while ago, at least 4 years. He lives way up north, like mountains and cliffs north. I don't know all the details of their relationship, but what I do know is this. I used to be dragged up there just about every weekend and forced to live with the man and my mother. Again these actions are relatively harmless. But there are a few things you have to know about Pat, one he's lazy as hell, he rarely went to work because he forgot or didn't feel like it. Two he's a hardcore alcoholic.
Now these two alone are not a good combination, but there's oh so much more then that when it comes to the mystery that is Pat. You see Pat was abusive not only to my mother but to me as well. I know it sucks, I'm not really one for sympathy. You move forward you move on. Plus I'm use to it. But if there's anything worse then being in an abusive relationship, it's watching your mother be in an abusive relationship and your helpless against it.
Now why in the hell would my mother be TALKING to this man? Much less flirting and giggling and smiling while on the phone with him. I don't care how much he's "changed" I don't want her near him. I will be having a few choice words with the man, and I hope he tries something because I could use a good fight.
Pat, there is no three letter word as vial as that one. Now don't get me wrong I'm not the type of kid who hates whoever their divorced parents are with because they're holding out for their parents to get back together. That's not my style. I've supported many relationships (though I liked very few of the people) that my mother or father have ventured into. But the problem is Pat is the devil. I know what you're thinking Pat doesn't look like devil. Well trust me, they're synonomus.
Pat is a shortish 5' 10" tanned, beer-bellied, dirty blonde, rugged guy. He is only a few inches taller then me and I doubt he has as much muscle as I do, if he does it's only from the work he rarely does.
See my mom dated Pat a while ago, at least 4 years. He lives way up north, like mountains and cliffs north. I don't know all the details of their relationship, but what I do know is this. I used to be dragged up there just about every weekend and forced to live with the man and my mother. Again these actions are relatively harmless. But there are a few things you have to know about Pat, one he's lazy as hell, he rarely went to work because he forgot or didn't feel like it. Two he's a hardcore alcoholic.
Now these two alone are not a good combination, but there's oh so much more then that when it comes to the mystery that is Pat. You see Pat was abusive not only to my mother but to me as well. I know it sucks, I'm not really one for sympathy. You move forward you move on. Plus I'm use to it. But if there's anything worse then being in an abusive relationship, it's watching your mother be in an abusive relationship and your helpless against it.
Now why in the hell would my mother be TALKING to this man? Much less flirting and giggling and smiling while on the phone with him. I don't care how much he's "changed" I don't want her near him. I will be having a few choice words with the man, and I hope he tries something because I could use a good fight.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Suddenly I See
I had a revelation today. It sounds depressing but I'm actually kind of happy to like know and understand whats going on. So today was a suprisingly good day. I slept a good portion of the day, trying to get rid of this coldy thing I had. I basically relaxed until I had to go to work tonight and I was in the shower listening to music (I'm that kind of dork that I listen to CDs in the shower) when the song Suddenly I See by KT Tunstell comes on and I'm singing when it suddenly hits me.
I'm gonna be one of those always the bridesmaid never the bride type. Sort of like 27 dresses (awesome movie) except without the whole finding prince charming bit. I know this sounds really depressing but actually it's good to know, like a relief. Because like all the relationships I have are either destined to fail or just not right in one way or another. Then when it comes to possible relationships, there's always a road block there. (sort of a tagent from that, engaged guy has been calling and texting me all day for no apparent reason. I don't know what to do there, any advice is welcome!)
So I don't think I'm going on a dating hiatus more realizing my place, and I feel like this giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like pressure is gone. I like it! Anyway just really wanted to update that, more so I remember more then anything else.
Other then that my day was crazy I was working as a techie tonight and I hurt my foot again it's all purple and puffy. I'm hoping it gets better so I can march on saturday I'd be so upset if i couldn't. I should get to bed, I have to day off tomorrow and then the fun beings on saturday. Coming up soon in my blog I'm going to write about another friend. I don't know which one yet, but it was an idea my friend Marisa gave me. Ugh it's almost 2 in the morning, I should think about going to bed soon.
I'm gonna be one of those always the bridesmaid never the bride type. Sort of like 27 dresses (awesome movie) except without the whole finding prince charming bit. I know this sounds really depressing but actually it's good to know, like a relief. Because like all the relationships I have are either destined to fail or just not right in one way or another. Then when it comes to possible relationships, there's always a road block there. (sort of a tagent from that, engaged guy has been calling and texting me all day for no apparent reason. I don't know what to do there, any advice is welcome!)
So I don't think I'm going on a dating hiatus more realizing my place, and I feel like this giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like pressure is gone. I like it! Anyway just really wanted to update that, more so I remember more then anything else.
Other then that my day was crazy I was working as a techie tonight and I hurt my foot again it's all purple and puffy. I'm hoping it gets better so I can march on saturday I'd be so upset if i couldn't. I should get to bed, I have to day off tomorrow and then the fun beings on saturday. Coming up soon in my blog I'm going to write about another friend. I don't know which one yet, but it was an idea my friend Marisa gave me. Ugh it's almost 2 in the morning, I should think about going to bed soon.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
I Can See Daniel Waving
Ok so as promised here's my blog about Dan. But before I begin let me clarify that this is not one of those oh my god I love him he's so hot type things. This was his idea. I had given him the edited version of my first blog (excluding all the bits about him) and he said it was way too depressing. So I should write about something fun i.e. him. So here it is the blog about dan dan.
The way Dan and I met is probably one of the weirdest stories in the world. See I'm on my high school's debate team, and for all of you who aren't aware of how tournements work you basically travel to other schools and get assigned another team to debate against then the four of you (two on each team) and a judge get assigned to a classroom where you debate. Well Dan's school and my school were assigned to debate together. The four of us (Dan his partner Alex, Myself and my friend/partner Kamali) went to our room and set up.
However there was one small problem we had no judge. So we sat in the room the four of us talking, while we waited for our judge to show up. An hour and a half later, we returned to the main room and waited for everyone to get back. We spent the whole time talking about stupid random stuff (SATs, college, how much better we are then they are). We exchanged screennames and POOF fast forward to nine months later and here we are.
Dan is like one of my best friends, he's funny and while a good part of the time helplessly inept, I wouldn't trade him for the world. While I do spend most of my time trying to make him more confident and basically prasing everything he does so that he's happy, it's kind of fun and I love to see him happy. He's like super amazing and does Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (sorry if I totally spelled that wrong) and could probably kill me if he were bored. He's also an awesome pillow, I use his shoulder all the time when we go to the movies.
Hmmm what else to write about, he'd probably want me to bring up how sexy he is. Dan's confident side is something that we somehow decided to called "the sexy" and a good portion of the time I absolutely want to punch it for it's arrogance. But it's something he loves and it gives him more confidence which he desperately needs. I think I'm out of stuff to write about for now. I'll be back when something good or bad happens.
The way Dan and I met is probably one of the weirdest stories in the world. See I'm on my high school's debate team, and for all of you who aren't aware of how tournements work you basically travel to other schools and get assigned another team to debate against then the four of you (two on each team) and a judge get assigned to a classroom where you debate. Well Dan's school and my school were assigned to debate together. The four of us (Dan his partner Alex, Myself and my friend/partner Kamali) went to our room and set up.
However there was one small problem we had no judge. So we sat in the room the four of us talking, while we waited for our judge to show up. An hour and a half later, we returned to the main room and waited for everyone to get back. We spent the whole time talking about stupid random stuff (SATs, college, how much better we are then they are). We exchanged screennames and POOF fast forward to nine months later and here we are.
Dan is like one of my best friends, he's funny and while a good part of the time helplessly inept, I wouldn't trade him for the world. While I do spend most of my time trying to make him more confident and basically prasing everything he does so that he's happy, it's kind of fun and I love to see him happy. He's like super amazing and does Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (sorry if I totally spelled that wrong) and could probably kill me if he were bored. He's also an awesome pillow, I use his shoulder all the time when we go to the movies.
Hmmm what else to write about, he'd probably want me to bring up how sexy he is. Dan's confident side is something that we somehow decided to called "the sexy" and a good portion of the time I absolutely want to punch it for it's arrogance. But it's something he loves and it gives him more confidence which he desperately needs. I think I'm out of stuff to write about for now. I'll be back when something good or bad happens.
Tempest In The Hood
In lue of falling of the face of the earth for a month or six, I have decided to write another blog and then pretend this all never happened, after all denial and repression are what I do best. My friend Dan (the one who I like but shouldn't so i shouldn't even have feelings for him) is having issues and as his big sister (he picked it) apparently it's my job to fix all his relationship issues. Since I am an only child I really don't mind because he's like the little brother I never had, we argue just like sibilings. Anyway to get to the point (I've noticed I tend to ramble in blogs).
He was discussing about whether it was weird for a 17 year old to like a 15 year old and he made a comment about how he doesn't really trust my judgement because of my track record. That's really what I need right now, my brother/crush pointing out one of my failed and most painful relationships. When I was 14 I was dating a 20 year old, or he could have been 21 I really don't remember. His name was Justice and he lived in Ohio. He was friends with my best friend Adriana and we had hit it of one time when I was at her house and we were IMing. Justice had to be like the perfect boyfriend (aside from the whole not seeing him bit) he was sweet and funny and romantic and strong and handsome as anything (his eyes were like sea foam green and I have such a bad thing for eyes.) I think that was probably the first time I was in love.
He was great to me, writing me little love notes and poems (he was an english major in college so his writing was amazing) he was also a martial arts master (once taking on 18 marines single handedly). He was always a gentleman and never rude or inconsiderate and, as I said before, I loved him. I don't even remember how it happened now, looking back on it. I think it was Adriana that found out that the Justice we knew was not the Justice she knew, and my Justice ended up being a lair and theif and a poser. When confronted about it, he got all angry and defensive. A few days later he broke up with me, telling me he would always love me and that this was for the best. I was angry and confused and heartbroken. I stopped talking to him all together.
A few weeks later his brother Jamaal contacted me, Justice had gotten very depressed and tried to commit suicide. I was stuck in a whirlwind of emotions, what was I suppose to do, forget he was a lying asshole that I actually knew nothing about and go rushing to his side? Ignore the fact that I wanted to be there comforting him? I was 14 for crying out loud I didn't want to deal with that kind of stuff.
Long story short, Justice was fine, he continues to try to talk to me to this day, but he's fine. I ignore him and whatever feelings I may have because looking back on it, what kind of creep wants to date a 14 year old? But it still hurts, remembering it, my first heartbreak and all that. Not something I really needed flashbacks of this week. It's reallying pushing me over the edge in my no relationship is worth the trouble mentality.
I think we should make an offical emo week on the calender where everyones allowed to mope and be depressed and just sulk with no repercussions. I wonder how many signatures I would need to get a national holiday?
P.S. tomorrow's blog (there maybe more then one at this rate but at least one of them) will be about Dan (or dandan as I call him) because he asked me to write one about him. What fun that will be writing a blog about the boy I like to show him.....I have to remember not to write anything to embarassinf or stupid so he won't realize what i'm saying.
He was discussing about whether it was weird for a 17 year old to like a 15 year old and he made a comment about how he doesn't really trust my judgement because of my track record. That's really what I need right now, my brother/crush pointing out one of my failed and most painful relationships. When I was 14 I was dating a 20 year old, or he could have been 21 I really don't remember. His name was Justice and he lived in Ohio. He was friends with my best friend Adriana and we had hit it of one time when I was at her house and we were IMing. Justice had to be like the perfect boyfriend (aside from the whole not seeing him bit) he was sweet and funny and romantic and strong and handsome as anything (his eyes were like sea foam green and I have such a bad thing for eyes.) I think that was probably the first time I was in love.
He was great to me, writing me little love notes and poems (he was an english major in college so his writing was amazing) he was also a martial arts master (once taking on 18 marines single handedly). He was always a gentleman and never rude or inconsiderate and, as I said before, I loved him. I don't even remember how it happened now, looking back on it. I think it was Adriana that found out that the Justice we knew was not the Justice she knew, and my Justice ended up being a lair and theif and a poser. When confronted about it, he got all angry and defensive. A few days later he broke up with me, telling me he would always love me and that this was for the best. I was angry and confused and heartbroken. I stopped talking to him all together.
A few weeks later his brother Jamaal contacted me, Justice had gotten very depressed and tried to commit suicide. I was stuck in a whirlwind of emotions, what was I suppose to do, forget he was a lying asshole that I actually knew nothing about and go rushing to his side? Ignore the fact that I wanted to be there comforting him? I was 14 for crying out loud I didn't want to deal with that kind of stuff.
Long story short, Justice was fine, he continues to try to talk to me to this day, but he's fine. I ignore him and whatever feelings I may have because looking back on it, what kind of creep wants to date a 14 year old? But it still hurts, remembering it, my first heartbreak and all that. Not something I really needed flashbacks of this week. It's reallying pushing me over the edge in my no relationship is worth the trouble mentality.
I think we should make an offical emo week on the calender where everyones allowed to mope and be depressed and just sulk with no repercussions. I wonder how many signatures I would need to get a national holiday?
P.S. tomorrow's blog (there maybe more then one at this rate but at least one of them) will be about Dan (or dandan as I call him) because he asked me to write one about him. What fun that will be writing a blog about the boy I like to show him.....I have to remember not to write anything to embarassinf or stupid so he won't realize what i'm saying.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
High School Never Ends
So I just got back from a marching band rehersal and it was good everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and wanted to be there and learn, which is always good. I spent my time with the trumpet section because they were down a captain and my section (Mellophones) were MIA. One of the returning band members Will was being an arrogant jerk. So I spent the whole time by him yelling at him to stand up straight and stop being a jerk.
So after doing that for an hour and a half (fun right?) we go inside for music rehersal and I was talking to the trumpet captain about how this was the first year I wasn't sitting with everyone and Will and I wouldn't be stand mates (if you don't understand ask your local band geek). When out of the blue one of the freshmen in the trumpet sections goes, "That's ok we all know you like each other. It's only a matter of time before you start dating," GRRRR. I know this seems like no big deal, but partnered with my drama from this past weekend and the fact that I had something like this happen before it just made me want to punch someone (don't worry I didn't. I'm blogging instead).
To fully understand my anger, you have to understand about my relationship with my friend Alex. Alex is like my best friend in the world and has been for like five years. We met through my friend Gemma and her sister Shannon, Shannon was friends with Alex (he's a year older then me) and Gemma and I were really close, and one day when the two sisters were talking they realized how stubborn and arguementative Alex and I both were. They thought it would be funny to introduce the two of us, watch us get in a arguement and see what happened. So they did.
Their plan backfired however because Alex and I clicked like instantly, it's like we are mind twins, we can get each other without really saying anything (he knows what I mean when I say askljdfkhaslhfjsa) and finish each other's sentences. We just have this really creepy mutual understanding bond type thing that I pretty much fail at explaining in words. So anyway, a year later when we were both in high school, the Lunch Gods decided to shine down upon us, and gave us the same lunch period.
That lunch was like crazy, we did such random stuff, but Alex and I always ended up in an argument but we always made up within like 2 minutes and he'd pull me onto his lap and everything would be well with the world. Apparently though to everyone else in the school, we were like an already married couple, our friends told us how they hated talking to us when we were around each other because it was like the two of us were in our own little world and you didn't want to interupt it. I guess it's understandable why they thought that, I mean Alex and I shared clothes, often switching at lunch and stripping in the middle of the crowded lunch room to do so, sharing gum (many times he literally stole it out of my mouth) but like I said we had that kind of relationship.
Alex came out of the closet during that year, but it didn't stop people from talking. Before i get too out of hand I'll bring it back to the topic at hand. It took Alex and myself two years and many boyfriends/girlfriends/friends with benefits to convince people otherwise (and now 2 years later people still don't believe it 100%). Now the last thing I want is for the same thing to happen with me and Will. Will and I aren't even remotely as close as I am to Alex. Will is just an annoying jerk who treats me like some second grade girl with cooties (literally hair pulling and poking and everything....ugh!). I'm just so upset about this because yesterday I decided on my dating/love hiatus. It makes me wonder if there's any relationship even worth all this stress.......
Another invetion that needs to be discovered or created, a love stressball that like comes with chocolate stuff and that makes you happy and smile.......
P.s. how the heck do you make an ice scuplture not out of ice that will last three days? (band project).
I think that's all for now. Don't worry I'll be back when I get angry....I'm like the hulk, but instead of ripping my clothes I rip out a new blog.....
So after doing that for an hour and a half (fun right?) we go inside for music rehersal and I was talking to the trumpet captain about how this was the first year I wasn't sitting with everyone and Will and I wouldn't be stand mates (if you don't understand ask your local band geek). When out of the blue one of the freshmen in the trumpet sections goes, "That's ok we all know you like each other. It's only a matter of time before you start dating," GRRRR. I know this seems like no big deal, but partnered with my drama from this past weekend and the fact that I had something like this happen before it just made me want to punch someone (don't worry I didn't. I'm blogging instead).
To fully understand my anger, you have to understand about my relationship with my friend Alex. Alex is like my best friend in the world and has been for like five years. We met through my friend Gemma and her sister Shannon, Shannon was friends with Alex (he's a year older then me) and Gemma and I were really close, and one day when the two sisters were talking they realized how stubborn and arguementative Alex and I both were. They thought it would be funny to introduce the two of us, watch us get in a arguement and see what happened. So they did.
Their plan backfired however because Alex and I clicked like instantly, it's like we are mind twins, we can get each other without really saying anything (he knows what I mean when I say askljdfkhaslhfjsa) and finish each other's sentences. We just have this really creepy mutual understanding bond type thing that I pretty much fail at explaining in words. So anyway, a year later when we were both in high school, the Lunch Gods decided to shine down upon us, and gave us the same lunch period.
That lunch was like crazy, we did such random stuff, but Alex and I always ended up in an argument but we always made up within like 2 minutes and he'd pull me onto his lap and everything would be well with the world. Apparently though to everyone else in the school, we were like an already married couple, our friends told us how they hated talking to us when we were around each other because it was like the two of us were in our own little world and you didn't want to interupt it. I guess it's understandable why they thought that, I mean Alex and I shared clothes, often switching at lunch and stripping in the middle of the crowded lunch room to do so, sharing gum (many times he literally stole it out of my mouth) but like I said we had that kind of relationship.
Alex came out of the closet during that year, but it didn't stop people from talking. Before i get too out of hand I'll bring it back to the topic at hand. It took Alex and myself two years and many boyfriends/girlfriends/friends with benefits to convince people otherwise (and now 2 years later people still don't believe it 100%). Now the last thing I want is for the same thing to happen with me and Will. Will and I aren't even remotely as close as I am to Alex. Will is just an annoying jerk who treats me like some second grade girl with cooties (literally hair pulling and poking and everything....ugh!). I'm just so upset about this because yesterday I decided on my dating/love hiatus. It makes me wonder if there's any relationship even worth all this stress.......
Another invetion that needs to be discovered or created, a love stressball that like comes with chocolate stuff and that makes you happy and smile.......
P.s. how the heck do you make an ice scuplture not out of ice that will last three days? (band project).
I think that's all for now. Don't worry I'll be back when I get angry....I'm like the hulk, but instead of ripping my clothes I rip out a new blog.....
Where I can be myself again
Ok so I've never had a blog before, but my friends have them and apparently they're very theraputic so I'd figure i'd give it a try because right now some therapy may be just what I need. Haha just writing that is funny because if my mom ever read that she'd die. She spent so many years sending me to shrinks to try and make sure I had the perfect normal life, needless to say none of them worked because I was fine when I went to them. Eventually she gave up and now, years later, I'm talking about needing therapy. Just a little messed up huh?
Anyway the reason behind starting this is probably the same reason millions of girls keep journals and stuff, love. It's way too confusing and complicated, so I decided today I'm taking a dating/love hiatus, but that's not the point. The point is I have three guys throwing themselves at me, two of which I don't even like and the third guy being engaged. BIG NO NO! So I don't do anything but still it's weird the way he acts, like he keeps reminding himself he's engaged when he's around me and how wrong it is that we talk (because that's all we do). So that's got me all confused, seriously if you don't want me talking to you, tell me and I'll stop. But then you also need to stop texting and calling and stuff too.
Then there's also the fact that I think I have a crush on my best friend (ugh so cliche' it's sickening). But I most definately know that there's no way the feelings are returned because a) we're too close and b) he's told me thousands of times he doesn't like girls with colored skin (he's not racist or anything they just aren't his type). So I need to stop liking him like, now. Especially since I'm suppose to be finding him a girlfriend. That's not going to well since his type apparently doesn't exsist, but I'll keep looking. Anyone know a pretty smart non-religious girl who likes debating and gaming? No one? didn't think so.
Now, because my life isn't confusing enough I have to add in one more guy, my ex boyfriend who I've been seeing on and off for 10 years (i know long time). He lives up in Connecticut and goes to a year round boarding school (i know suck). But the thing is while I love him and always will, we make each other sick, literally physically ill to the point of needing doctors and hospitalization. I don't know how or why it happens but it just does. Anyway to try and solve our sickness issue we decided (together) that it would be best if we didn't date anymore. But like I said before 10 years is a long time, the only time we haven't been together is when we broke up and hated each other, not because of some mutual agreement for health reasons. I don't know what to do there because I'm pretty sure he still cares about me but I don't want to do anything because being sick kind of does suck (even though I'm always sick. Seriously it's like verb it's what you do, well being sick is what I do).
Well even though this solved none of my problems at least they're out there floating amongst the cosmos, hopefully I'll have answers in the morning. I wonder if there's like a cure all for love lives (like chicken soup is for any illness).......
Anyway the reason behind starting this is probably the same reason millions of girls keep journals and stuff, love. It's way too confusing and complicated, so I decided today I'm taking a dating/love hiatus, but that's not the point. The point is I have three guys throwing themselves at me, two of which I don't even like and the third guy being engaged. BIG NO NO! So I don't do anything but still it's weird the way he acts, like he keeps reminding himself he's engaged when he's around me and how wrong it is that we talk (because that's all we do). So that's got me all confused, seriously if you don't want me talking to you, tell me and I'll stop. But then you also need to stop texting and calling and stuff too.
Then there's also the fact that I think I have a crush on my best friend (ugh so cliche' it's sickening). But I most definately know that there's no way the feelings are returned because a) we're too close and b) he's told me thousands of times he doesn't like girls with colored skin (he's not racist or anything they just aren't his type). So I need to stop liking him like, now. Especially since I'm suppose to be finding him a girlfriend. That's not going to well since his type apparently doesn't exsist, but I'll keep looking. Anyone know a pretty smart non-religious girl who likes debating and gaming? No one? didn't think so.
Now, because my life isn't confusing enough I have to add in one more guy, my ex boyfriend who I've been seeing on and off for 10 years (i know long time). He lives up in Connecticut and goes to a year round boarding school (i know suck). But the thing is while I love him and always will, we make each other sick, literally physically ill to the point of needing doctors and hospitalization. I don't know how or why it happens but it just does. Anyway to try and solve our sickness issue we decided (together) that it would be best if we didn't date anymore. But like I said before 10 years is a long time, the only time we haven't been together is when we broke up and hated each other, not because of some mutual agreement for health reasons. I don't know what to do there because I'm pretty sure he still cares about me but I don't want to do anything because being sick kind of does suck (even though I'm always sick. Seriously it's like verb it's what you do, well being sick is what I do).
Well even though this solved none of my problems at least they're out there floating amongst the cosmos, hopefully I'll have answers in the morning. I wonder if there's like a cure all for love lives (like chicken soup is for any illness).......
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