I'd been having a relatively good weekend, so of course that had to end because what God in their right mind would want me happy? I went down to get a drink to find my mom talking on the phone while watching tv on the couch. Now these actions in and of themselves were not unusual or unwelcomed. I tipped my head around the sofa to say Hi and she smiled saying that Pat was on the phone and he said hi.
Pat, there is no three letter word as vial as that one. Now don't get me wrong I'm not the type of kid who hates whoever their divorced parents are with because they're holding out for their parents to get back together. That's not my style. I've supported many relationships (though I liked very few of the people) that my mother or father have ventured into. But the problem is Pat is the devil. I know what you're thinking Pat doesn't look like devil. Well trust me, they're synonomus.
Pat is a shortish 5' 10" tanned, beer-bellied, dirty blonde, rugged guy. He is only a few inches taller then me and I doubt he has as much muscle as I do, if he does it's only from the work he rarely does.
See my mom dated Pat a while ago, at least 4 years. He lives way up north, like mountains and cliffs north. I don't know all the details of their relationship, but what I do know is this. I used to be dragged up there just about every weekend and forced to live with the man and my mother. Again these actions are relatively harmless. But there are a few things you have to know about Pat, one he's lazy as hell, he rarely went to work because he forgot or didn't feel like it. Two he's a hardcore alcoholic.
Now these two alone are not a good combination, but there's oh so much more then that when it comes to the mystery that is Pat. You see Pat was abusive not only to my mother but to me as well. I know it sucks, I'm not really one for sympathy. You move forward you move on. Plus I'm use to it. But if there's anything worse then being in an abusive relationship, it's watching your mother be in an abusive relationship and your helpless against it.
Now why in the hell would my mother be TALKING to this man? Much less flirting and giggling and smiling while on the phone with him. I don't care how much he's "changed" I don't want her near him. I will be having a few choice words with the man, and I hope he tries something because I could use a good fight.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Suddenly I See
I had a revelation today. It sounds depressing but I'm actually kind of happy to like know and understand whats going on. So today was a suprisingly good day. I slept a good portion of the day, trying to get rid of this coldy thing I had. I basically relaxed until I had to go to work tonight and I was in the shower listening to music (I'm that kind of dork that I listen to CDs in the shower) when the song Suddenly I See by KT Tunstell comes on and I'm singing when it suddenly hits me.
I'm gonna be one of those always the bridesmaid never the bride type. Sort of like 27 dresses (awesome movie) except without the whole finding prince charming bit. I know this sounds really depressing but actually it's good to know, like a relief. Because like all the relationships I have are either destined to fail or just not right in one way or another. Then when it comes to possible relationships, there's always a road block there. (sort of a tagent from that, engaged guy has been calling and texting me all day for no apparent reason. I don't know what to do there, any advice is welcome!)
So I don't think I'm going on a dating hiatus more realizing my place, and I feel like this giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like pressure is gone. I like it! Anyway just really wanted to update that, more so I remember more then anything else.
Other then that my day was crazy I was working as a techie tonight and I hurt my foot again it's all purple and puffy. I'm hoping it gets better so I can march on saturday I'd be so upset if i couldn't. I should get to bed, I have to day off tomorrow and then the fun beings on saturday. Coming up soon in my blog I'm going to write about another friend. I don't know which one yet, but it was an idea my friend Marisa gave me. Ugh it's almost 2 in the morning, I should think about going to bed soon.
I'm gonna be one of those always the bridesmaid never the bride type. Sort of like 27 dresses (awesome movie) except without the whole finding prince charming bit. I know this sounds really depressing but actually it's good to know, like a relief. Because like all the relationships I have are either destined to fail or just not right in one way or another. Then when it comes to possible relationships, there's always a road block there. (sort of a tagent from that, engaged guy has been calling and texting me all day for no apparent reason. I don't know what to do there, any advice is welcome!)
So I don't think I'm going on a dating hiatus more realizing my place, and I feel like this giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like pressure is gone. I like it! Anyway just really wanted to update that, more so I remember more then anything else.
Other then that my day was crazy I was working as a techie tonight and I hurt my foot again it's all purple and puffy. I'm hoping it gets better so I can march on saturday I'd be so upset if i couldn't. I should get to bed, I have to day off tomorrow and then the fun beings on saturday. Coming up soon in my blog I'm going to write about another friend. I don't know which one yet, but it was an idea my friend Marisa gave me. Ugh it's almost 2 in the morning, I should think about going to bed soon.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
I Can See Daniel Waving
Ok so as promised here's my blog about Dan. But before I begin let me clarify that this is not one of those oh my god I love him he's so hot type things. This was his idea. I had given him the edited version of my first blog (excluding all the bits about him) and he said it was way too depressing. So I should write about something fun i.e. him. So here it is the blog about dan dan.
The way Dan and I met is probably one of the weirdest stories in the world. See I'm on my high school's debate team, and for all of you who aren't aware of how tournements work you basically travel to other schools and get assigned another team to debate against then the four of you (two on each team) and a judge get assigned to a classroom where you debate. Well Dan's school and my school were assigned to debate together. The four of us (Dan his partner Alex, Myself and my friend/partner Kamali) went to our room and set up.
However there was one small problem we had no judge. So we sat in the room the four of us talking, while we waited for our judge to show up. An hour and a half later, we returned to the main room and waited for everyone to get back. We spent the whole time talking about stupid random stuff (SATs, college, how much better we are then they are). We exchanged screennames and POOF fast forward to nine months later and here we are.
Dan is like one of my best friends, he's funny and while a good part of the time helplessly inept, I wouldn't trade him for the world. While I do spend most of my time trying to make him more confident and basically prasing everything he does so that he's happy, it's kind of fun and I love to see him happy. He's like super amazing and does Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (sorry if I totally spelled that wrong) and could probably kill me if he were bored. He's also an awesome pillow, I use his shoulder all the time when we go to the movies.
Hmmm what else to write about, he'd probably want me to bring up how sexy he is. Dan's confident side is something that we somehow decided to called "the sexy" and a good portion of the time I absolutely want to punch it for it's arrogance. But it's something he loves and it gives him more confidence which he desperately needs. I think I'm out of stuff to write about for now. I'll be back when something good or bad happens.
The way Dan and I met is probably one of the weirdest stories in the world. See I'm on my high school's debate team, and for all of you who aren't aware of how tournements work you basically travel to other schools and get assigned another team to debate against then the four of you (two on each team) and a judge get assigned to a classroom where you debate. Well Dan's school and my school were assigned to debate together. The four of us (Dan his partner Alex, Myself and my friend/partner Kamali) went to our room and set up.
However there was one small problem we had no judge. So we sat in the room the four of us talking, while we waited for our judge to show up. An hour and a half later, we returned to the main room and waited for everyone to get back. We spent the whole time talking about stupid random stuff (SATs, college, how much better we are then they are). We exchanged screennames and POOF fast forward to nine months later and here we are.
Dan is like one of my best friends, he's funny and while a good part of the time helplessly inept, I wouldn't trade him for the world. While I do spend most of my time trying to make him more confident and basically prasing everything he does so that he's happy, it's kind of fun and I love to see him happy. He's like super amazing and does Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (sorry if I totally spelled that wrong) and could probably kill me if he were bored. He's also an awesome pillow, I use his shoulder all the time when we go to the movies.
Hmmm what else to write about, he'd probably want me to bring up how sexy he is. Dan's confident side is something that we somehow decided to called "the sexy" and a good portion of the time I absolutely want to punch it for it's arrogance. But it's something he loves and it gives him more confidence which he desperately needs. I think I'm out of stuff to write about for now. I'll be back when something good or bad happens.
Tempest In The Hood
In lue of falling of the face of the earth for a month or six, I have decided to write another blog and then pretend this all never happened, after all denial and repression are what I do best. My friend Dan (the one who I like but shouldn't so i shouldn't even have feelings for him) is having issues and as his big sister (he picked it) apparently it's my job to fix all his relationship issues. Since I am an only child I really don't mind because he's like the little brother I never had, we argue just like sibilings. Anyway to get to the point (I've noticed I tend to ramble in blogs).
He was discussing about whether it was weird for a 17 year old to like a 15 year old and he made a comment about how he doesn't really trust my judgement because of my track record. That's really what I need right now, my brother/crush pointing out one of my failed and most painful relationships. When I was 14 I was dating a 20 year old, or he could have been 21 I really don't remember. His name was Justice and he lived in Ohio. He was friends with my best friend Adriana and we had hit it of one time when I was at her house and we were IMing. Justice had to be like the perfect boyfriend (aside from the whole not seeing him bit) he was sweet and funny and romantic and strong and handsome as anything (his eyes were like sea foam green and I have such a bad thing for eyes.) I think that was probably the first time I was in love.
He was great to me, writing me little love notes and poems (he was an english major in college so his writing was amazing) he was also a martial arts master (once taking on 18 marines single handedly). He was always a gentleman and never rude or inconsiderate and, as I said before, I loved him. I don't even remember how it happened now, looking back on it. I think it was Adriana that found out that the Justice we knew was not the Justice she knew, and my Justice ended up being a lair and theif and a poser. When confronted about it, he got all angry and defensive. A few days later he broke up with me, telling me he would always love me and that this was for the best. I was angry and confused and heartbroken. I stopped talking to him all together.
A few weeks later his brother Jamaal contacted me, Justice had gotten very depressed and tried to commit suicide. I was stuck in a whirlwind of emotions, what was I suppose to do, forget he was a lying asshole that I actually knew nothing about and go rushing to his side? Ignore the fact that I wanted to be there comforting him? I was 14 for crying out loud I didn't want to deal with that kind of stuff.
Long story short, Justice was fine, he continues to try to talk to me to this day, but he's fine. I ignore him and whatever feelings I may have because looking back on it, what kind of creep wants to date a 14 year old? But it still hurts, remembering it, my first heartbreak and all that. Not something I really needed flashbacks of this week. It's reallying pushing me over the edge in my no relationship is worth the trouble mentality.
I think we should make an offical emo week on the calender where everyones allowed to mope and be depressed and just sulk with no repercussions. I wonder how many signatures I would need to get a national holiday?
P.S. tomorrow's blog (there maybe more then one at this rate but at least one of them) will be about Dan (or dandan as I call him) because he asked me to write one about him. What fun that will be writing a blog about the boy I like to show him.....I have to remember not to write anything to embarassinf or stupid so he won't realize what i'm saying.
He was discussing about whether it was weird for a 17 year old to like a 15 year old and he made a comment about how he doesn't really trust my judgement because of my track record. That's really what I need right now, my brother/crush pointing out one of my failed and most painful relationships. When I was 14 I was dating a 20 year old, or he could have been 21 I really don't remember. His name was Justice and he lived in Ohio. He was friends with my best friend Adriana and we had hit it of one time when I was at her house and we were IMing. Justice had to be like the perfect boyfriend (aside from the whole not seeing him bit) he was sweet and funny and romantic and strong and handsome as anything (his eyes were like sea foam green and I have such a bad thing for eyes.) I think that was probably the first time I was in love.
He was great to me, writing me little love notes and poems (he was an english major in college so his writing was amazing) he was also a martial arts master (once taking on 18 marines single handedly). He was always a gentleman and never rude or inconsiderate and, as I said before, I loved him. I don't even remember how it happened now, looking back on it. I think it was Adriana that found out that the Justice we knew was not the Justice she knew, and my Justice ended up being a lair and theif and a poser. When confronted about it, he got all angry and defensive. A few days later he broke up with me, telling me he would always love me and that this was for the best. I was angry and confused and heartbroken. I stopped talking to him all together.
A few weeks later his brother Jamaal contacted me, Justice had gotten very depressed and tried to commit suicide. I was stuck in a whirlwind of emotions, what was I suppose to do, forget he was a lying asshole that I actually knew nothing about and go rushing to his side? Ignore the fact that I wanted to be there comforting him? I was 14 for crying out loud I didn't want to deal with that kind of stuff.
Long story short, Justice was fine, he continues to try to talk to me to this day, but he's fine. I ignore him and whatever feelings I may have because looking back on it, what kind of creep wants to date a 14 year old? But it still hurts, remembering it, my first heartbreak and all that. Not something I really needed flashbacks of this week. It's reallying pushing me over the edge in my no relationship is worth the trouble mentality.
I think we should make an offical emo week on the calender where everyones allowed to mope and be depressed and just sulk with no repercussions. I wonder how many signatures I would need to get a national holiday?
P.S. tomorrow's blog (there maybe more then one at this rate but at least one of them) will be about Dan (or dandan as I call him) because he asked me to write one about him. What fun that will be writing a blog about the boy I like to show him.....I have to remember not to write anything to embarassinf or stupid so he won't realize what i'm saying.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
High School Never Ends
So I just got back from a marching band rehersal and it was good everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and wanted to be there and learn, which is always good. I spent my time with the trumpet section because they were down a captain and my section (Mellophones) were MIA. One of the returning band members Will was being an arrogant jerk. So I spent the whole time by him yelling at him to stand up straight and stop being a jerk.
So after doing that for an hour and a half (fun right?) we go inside for music rehersal and I was talking to the trumpet captain about how this was the first year I wasn't sitting with everyone and Will and I wouldn't be stand mates (if you don't understand ask your local band geek). When out of the blue one of the freshmen in the trumpet sections goes, "That's ok we all know you like each other. It's only a matter of time before you start dating," GRRRR. I know this seems like no big deal, but partnered with my drama from this past weekend and the fact that I had something like this happen before it just made me want to punch someone (don't worry I didn't. I'm blogging instead).
To fully understand my anger, you have to understand about my relationship with my friend Alex. Alex is like my best friend in the world and has been for like five years. We met through my friend Gemma and her sister Shannon, Shannon was friends with Alex (he's a year older then me) and Gemma and I were really close, and one day when the two sisters were talking they realized how stubborn and arguementative Alex and I both were. They thought it would be funny to introduce the two of us, watch us get in a arguement and see what happened. So they did.
Their plan backfired however because Alex and I clicked like instantly, it's like we are mind twins, we can get each other without really saying anything (he knows what I mean when I say askljdfkhaslhfjsa) and finish each other's sentences. We just have this really creepy mutual understanding bond type thing that I pretty much fail at explaining in words. So anyway, a year later when we were both in high school, the Lunch Gods decided to shine down upon us, and gave us the same lunch period.
That lunch was like crazy, we did such random stuff, but Alex and I always ended up in an argument but we always made up within like 2 minutes and he'd pull me onto his lap and everything would be well with the world. Apparently though to everyone else in the school, we were like an already married couple, our friends told us how they hated talking to us when we were around each other because it was like the two of us were in our own little world and you didn't want to interupt it. I guess it's understandable why they thought that, I mean Alex and I shared clothes, often switching at lunch and stripping in the middle of the crowded lunch room to do so, sharing gum (many times he literally stole it out of my mouth) but like I said we had that kind of relationship.
Alex came out of the closet during that year, but it didn't stop people from talking. Before i get too out of hand I'll bring it back to the topic at hand. It took Alex and myself two years and many boyfriends/girlfriends/friends with benefits to convince people otherwise (and now 2 years later people still don't believe it 100%). Now the last thing I want is for the same thing to happen with me and Will. Will and I aren't even remotely as close as I am to Alex. Will is just an annoying jerk who treats me like some second grade girl with cooties (literally hair pulling and poking and everything....ugh!). I'm just so upset about this because yesterday I decided on my dating/love hiatus. It makes me wonder if there's any relationship even worth all this stress.......
Another invetion that needs to be discovered or created, a love stressball that like comes with chocolate stuff and that makes you happy and smile.......
P.s. how the heck do you make an ice scuplture not out of ice that will last three days? (band project).
I think that's all for now. Don't worry I'll be back when I get angry....I'm like the hulk, but instead of ripping my clothes I rip out a new blog.....
So after doing that for an hour and a half (fun right?) we go inside for music rehersal and I was talking to the trumpet captain about how this was the first year I wasn't sitting with everyone and Will and I wouldn't be stand mates (if you don't understand ask your local band geek). When out of the blue one of the freshmen in the trumpet sections goes, "That's ok we all know you like each other. It's only a matter of time before you start dating," GRRRR. I know this seems like no big deal, but partnered with my drama from this past weekend and the fact that I had something like this happen before it just made me want to punch someone (don't worry I didn't. I'm blogging instead).
To fully understand my anger, you have to understand about my relationship with my friend Alex. Alex is like my best friend in the world and has been for like five years. We met through my friend Gemma and her sister Shannon, Shannon was friends with Alex (he's a year older then me) and Gemma and I were really close, and one day when the two sisters were talking they realized how stubborn and arguementative Alex and I both were. They thought it would be funny to introduce the two of us, watch us get in a arguement and see what happened. So they did.
Their plan backfired however because Alex and I clicked like instantly, it's like we are mind twins, we can get each other without really saying anything (he knows what I mean when I say askljdfkhaslhfjsa) and finish each other's sentences. We just have this really creepy mutual understanding bond type thing that I pretty much fail at explaining in words. So anyway, a year later when we were both in high school, the Lunch Gods decided to shine down upon us, and gave us the same lunch period.
That lunch was like crazy, we did such random stuff, but Alex and I always ended up in an argument but we always made up within like 2 minutes and he'd pull me onto his lap and everything would be well with the world. Apparently though to everyone else in the school, we were like an already married couple, our friends told us how they hated talking to us when we were around each other because it was like the two of us were in our own little world and you didn't want to interupt it. I guess it's understandable why they thought that, I mean Alex and I shared clothes, often switching at lunch and stripping in the middle of the crowded lunch room to do so, sharing gum (many times he literally stole it out of my mouth) but like I said we had that kind of relationship.
Alex came out of the closet during that year, but it didn't stop people from talking. Before i get too out of hand I'll bring it back to the topic at hand. It took Alex and myself two years and many boyfriends/girlfriends/friends with benefits to convince people otherwise (and now 2 years later people still don't believe it 100%). Now the last thing I want is for the same thing to happen with me and Will. Will and I aren't even remotely as close as I am to Alex. Will is just an annoying jerk who treats me like some second grade girl with cooties (literally hair pulling and poking and everything....ugh!). I'm just so upset about this because yesterday I decided on my dating/love hiatus. It makes me wonder if there's any relationship even worth all this stress.......
Another invetion that needs to be discovered or created, a love stressball that like comes with chocolate stuff and that makes you happy and smile.......
P.s. how the heck do you make an ice scuplture not out of ice that will last three days? (band project).
I think that's all for now. Don't worry I'll be back when I get angry....I'm like the hulk, but instead of ripping my clothes I rip out a new blog.....
Where I can be myself again
Ok so I've never had a blog before, but my friends have them and apparently they're very theraputic so I'd figure i'd give it a try because right now some therapy may be just what I need. Haha just writing that is funny because if my mom ever read that she'd die. She spent so many years sending me to shrinks to try and make sure I had the perfect normal life, needless to say none of them worked because I was fine when I went to them. Eventually she gave up and now, years later, I'm talking about needing therapy. Just a little messed up huh?
Anyway the reason behind starting this is probably the same reason millions of girls keep journals and stuff, love. It's way too confusing and complicated, so I decided today I'm taking a dating/love hiatus, but that's not the point. The point is I have three guys throwing themselves at me, two of which I don't even like and the third guy being engaged. BIG NO NO! So I don't do anything but still it's weird the way he acts, like he keeps reminding himself he's engaged when he's around me and how wrong it is that we talk (because that's all we do). So that's got me all confused, seriously if you don't want me talking to you, tell me and I'll stop. But then you also need to stop texting and calling and stuff too.
Then there's also the fact that I think I have a crush on my best friend (ugh so cliche' it's sickening). But I most definately know that there's no way the feelings are returned because a) we're too close and b) he's told me thousands of times he doesn't like girls with colored skin (he's not racist or anything they just aren't his type). So I need to stop liking him like, now. Especially since I'm suppose to be finding him a girlfriend. That's not going to well since his type apparently doesn't exsist, but I'll keep looking. Anyone know a pretty smart non-religious girl who likes debating and gaming? No one? didn't think so.
Now, because my life isn't confusing enough I have to add in one more guy, my ex boyfriend who I've been seeing on and off for 10 years (i know long time). He lives up in Connecticut and goes to a year round boarding school (i know suck). But the thing is while I love him and always will, we make each other sick, literally physically ill to the point of needing doctors and hospitalization. I don't know how or why it happens but it just does. Anyway to try and solve our sickness issue we decided (together) that it would be best if we didn't date anymore. But like I said before 10 years is a long time, the only time we haven't been together is when we broke up and hated each other, not because of some mutual agreement for health reasons. I don't know what to do there because I'm pretty sure he still cares about me but I don't want to do anything because being sick kind of does suck (even though I'm always sick. Seriously it's like verb it's what you do, well being sick is what I do).
Well even though this solved none of my problems at least they're out there floating amongst the cosmos, hopefully I'll have answers in the morning. I wonder if there's like a cure all for love lives (like chicken soup is for any illness).......
Anyway the reason behind starting this is probably the same reason millions of girls keep journals and stuff, love. It's way too confusing and complicated, so I decided today I'm taking a dating/love hiatus, but that's not the point. The point is I have three guys throwing themselves at me, two of which I don't even like and the third guy being engaged. BIG NO NO! So I don't do anything but still it's weird the way he acts, like he keeps reminding himself he's engaged when he's around me and how wrong it is that we talk (because that's all we do). So that's got me all confused, seriously if you don't want me talking to you, tell me and I'll stop. But then you also need to stop texting and calling and stuff too.
Then there's also the fact that I think I have a crush on my best friend (ugh so cliche' it's sickening). But I most definately know that there's no way the feelings are returned because a) we're too close and b) he's told me thousands of times he doesn't like girls with colored skin (he's not racist or anything they just aren't his type). So I need to stop liking him like, now. Especially since I'm suppose to be finding him a girlfriend. That's not going to well since his type apparently doesn't exsist, but I'll keep looking. Anyone know a pretty smart non-religious girl who likes debating and gaming? No one? didn't think so.
Now, because my life isn't confusing enough I have to add in one more guy, my ex boyfriend who I've been seeing on and off for 10 years (i know long time). He lives up in Connecticut and goes to a year round boarding school (i know suck). But the thing is while I love him and always will, we make each other sick, literally physically ill to the point of needing doctors and hospitalization. I don't know how or why it happens but it just does. Anyway to try and solve our sickness issue we decided (together) that it would be best if we didn't date anymore. But like I said before 10 years is a long time, the only time we haven't been together is when we broke up and hated each other, not because of some mutual agreement for health reasons. I don't know what to do there because I'm pretty sure he still cares about me but I don't want to do anything because being sick kind of does suck (even though I'm always sick. Seriously it's like verb it's what you do, well being sick is what I do).
Well even though this solved none of my problems at least they're out there floating amongst the cosmos, hopefully I'll have answers in the morning. I wonder if there's like a cure all for love lives (like chicken soup is for any illness).......
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