From this day on, now and forever more

You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say, you'll be in my heart, always. ~ Phil Collins

I've been doing a lot of thinking in matters of the heart, not just love, but relationships and everything. It's interesting because I have such good friends (see blog post below) and my family who I love to pieces, my life seems to be going so well. But I've come to terms with something recently that I've known for a while, but haven't really dealt with.

Death, for me, is a very really possiblity. No not in terms of suicide or anything morose like that. But cancer.....well....morality rate is rather high. It's sad to think that I might lose all these relationships earlier then I need to. I think that's the worst part of death, or knowing about death in advance. It gives you time to reflect.

Now, as spring nears, many of my friends are starting the joyous college acceptance process, I don't get that. I mean yes I get accepted, but I don't get to decide where or when I want to go. I have to stay nearby, so I have doctors...I don't get a choice, already me being sick is starting to limit my freedom and I hate it.

The thing about it is, I don't want to be stuck I hate being stuck, I hate being weak and I hate more then anything being dependant. I NEED to be able to go where I want when I want, but recently, I haven't been able to because I've been getting sick too weak to do anything. Already I can tell because my immune system has been shot, it's taken me weeks to get over a cold that normally takes me days, and I'm still not over it yet.

It's getting to me slowly and while it's not depressing or sad, I'm just, missing things. I want to be able to go to a four year college. I want to GRADUATE. I want a relationship like the ones in all those stupid movies that you see with a happily ever after marriage. But right now what I'm stuck with is hoping I make it to 20......A walk to remember is on now as I type this, I find myself relating to Jamie more then I'd like.

I'm sighing now, I really hope this doesn't come off as depressing because I don't mean it to at all....I just wanted to send this out into the cosmos I guess and just let it go. I don't talk about it, not with anyone, because really who wants to be friends with cancer girl if she's going to be a downer right? I go on living, it's what they tell you to do. But I hear reminders everywhere.

Kids talking about donating their hair, hair that one day I could be wearing....stupid stuff, "chewing gum gives you cancer" really cuz I love gum, oh wait I'm cancer girl, no duh. But no one knows and I never say anything, I don't want to end up a yearbook dedication page, or some stupid plaque on the wall of my high school. I want to make it to a renunion.

I always wonder, now that the movie is back on, whether I should do like Jamie does and isolate myself, relationshipwise. It would make it easier for people that's for sure. Then again there are a limited number of people who will be effected, 5 or 6 at the most and then family, but they don't even know, so what does it matter.

Death isn't scary you know, at least not to me, leaving everything I love, that's hard. The thought makes my breath catch in my chest, my lungs tighten and my throat gets all dry, I love my sisters and brothers and boyfriend and other friends so much....I just, hate the thought of them in pain. Sometimes I want to disappear, just so it's better for them.

Lately I've found myself withdrawing from life and it is through no fault of anyone but myself but I've began thinking that I need to be by myself for the best and plus why make the commitment when you never know, right?

This is turning out entirely too depressing for my liking so I'm going to end it here with some more lyrics.

I will be here, don't you cry...this bond between us can't be broken, I will be here don't you cry. ~ Phil Collins

At the Beginning With You

First off though this video doesn't have much to do with the blog entry other then giving it it's namesake I absolutely love it and it kind of does applies because it helps me explain how i'm thinking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsVMH-jfgBo

Now moving on to the actual blog explaination entry. This is more of an then a rant or any such thing. My friends are always saying things about how amazing I am all this other stuff that friends are suppose to do, and everyday without fail I end up denying it all and we fight. I don't know why I just can't let it be and go along, but it doesn't sit right with me.

To clarify it's not that I doubt their sincerity, My friends are the most amazing loyal trustworthy kind and loving people in the entire world. This is by no means a problem with them it's a problem with myself.

See they say that they don't know what they'd do without me and such, but really, I'm not a great support system, if I were, well then a lot of the things that happened to me wouldn't. My exboyfriend, who consequently I've been thinking about a lot of recent, wouldn't have felt the need to kill himself.

My other friends wouldn't have cut themselves, done drugs, tried to kill teachers, lots of stupid stupid stuff that's happen. If I really am a good friend, why am I unable to help those people? I can help one of my friends who lives across the country, but my friend who I see everyday at school, I can't break her of her anorexia.

Is it normal to be a better online friend then an actual one? Because I think that's what I am. Maybe I'm just a long distance relationship person, but that can't be, because then I wouldn't have sent my friend in connecticut to the hospital where he almost got killed.

Just to reiterate that this is by no means the fault of my friends online or real life. I love you all, and in order to end on a positive note, I'm going to steal an idea from my sissy.

Amy: You handle my craziness amazingly, and even though we don't spend enough time together I love the time we do have! Who else could be so oblivious without being annoyingly innocent?

Enma: Brother oh my goodness where to begin. You are INSANELY TALENTED we'll start there, whether it be with a camera or a pen (metaphoric of course). We definately need to meet one day, you make me so amazingly proud, even though I love to give you a hard time, I love you to pieces. I have no idea what I would do without you, I wouldn't have gotten back into poetry or free-writing, that's for sure. You are an amazing influence and just an amazing person in general, NEVER EVER FORGET THAT.

Dan: My other brother, you make me laugh SO MUCH. You are great at protecting me and I completely trust you to beat the crap out of anyone who I need to. You're smart (something rare in boys these days) and even though I do so much for you, I don't know what I'd do without you. If I ever have a bad day, I can trust you to make me smile. You have so many amazing things about you, your bjj skills, your debateness, your sexyness, and your ability to talk like yoda are just a few of them. You introduced me to UFC fighting and I don't think I ever thanked you properly for that. I'm so lucky to have met you and so glad that stupid judge didn't show up, even though you're going to ditch me for school next year, know that I'm only an IM or text away, espeically when you need someone to explain college girls to you.

Kamali: Oh goodness this is a long one. Strange to think we only got close in sophomore year, right? Now I don't know what I would do without you. You keep me grounded, and it sucks that we don't have more classes together. You can make me laugh and cry and a million other things. You are so sincere and loyal and I trust you with my life, you understand me and know when to be a hardass and when to let things go. Without you to keep be sane a thinking rationally I don't know where I would be. I only hope that I can be half as good a friend to you as you are to me, and I value our friendship more then I value my morning pepsi, just to put it into perspective for you. I get upset when you're not in school, even though we're not in every class together, I feel lonely and depressed and can't help but be emo when you're not around. I worry about you almost constantly and I hope you know that I only do what I do to you because I care. Next time you have issues sleeping I hope you talk to me, because I'm always here and sleep is overrated anyway right?

Faithy: Another person I'm glad to have met, when I'm scaring myself or just afraid in general, I know I can turn to you. You undestand me and my past better then most of my friends at my school. Your text messages brighten my day and I don't know what I would do without you. I get upset when we miss each other and can't talk. To quote a cheesy song "You light up my life". I'm soooo glad that you are there for me and I hope you know I'm always there for you. No matter what day or night. You are adorable and I love you to pieces, though don't break into pieces that would be bad. You are so brave and sweet and sincere and strong, I'm kind of envious of how amazing you are.

Veronica: You too are amazing, you're smart and sincere but know how not to take yourself too seriously. Whether we're discussing politics or palm reading I know we'll have a good time. You and I get each other and kind of instantly click, you don't feel the need to question me and know that I will come to you when I can. I think my feelings can best be explained by our hour and a half talk in my car sitting in your parking lot after 8th grade orientation. Who else would I sit out in the freezing cold with. You keep my secrets and don't gossip, you can joke about others and yourself and you have an amazing voice among your other amazing talents. I love that you're right across the highway and would love to live next to you one day when we're older, how insane would that be right?

Mariah: Beautiful is the best way to describe you, inside and out. No by inside I don't mean your guts and such, though I'm sure they are lovely. You have an amazing personality. You're sweet and humble and loving and so many things I can't even think of how to put into words. I love you with all my heart and I don't know what I would do without your sootheing presence in my life. I trust you so much and know I can go to you whenever I need and I hope you know you can do the same. It is entirely unfair that you live so far away and sometime soon something needs to be done about it. You are so amazing and can make me laugh, smile and blush all at the same time. You're paragraph is short because I can't even put into words how much you mean to me, it's making my head hurt just trying to, but I hope you know that I wouldn't trade you for the world.

And last but certainly not least, Sissy: I don't even know what I would do without you. I'm thankful to have Az now to ease my sissy withdrawl anxiety. You are so amazing and I know you know it, even if you won't admit it to yourself. I'm so lucky to have met you, that was the only positive thing to come out of having my cyst. I know I can go to you whenever and you help me through so much, more then you even know. Just knowing you're online and at the other side of the computer talking to me and caring, it's just amazing. It makes me smile just thinking about it.

I am jealous of you because you are so amazing, you are confident (even though you don't want to admit it) sure of yourself, and such a sweetheart. I can only hope that I meet more people like you in my life because then I would be so unbelievably happy all the time. I hope everyone in the world has someone as perfectly and astoundingly amazing as you are, because if not they are missing out.

You are such a major part of my life and it's insane to think we met so recently, I would do anything and give anything to protect you. You make my life better and when you are sad I can't help but be sad. You support me in everything I do and without your help and guidence I have no idea what I would do. You are the best big sister in the world and I have NO IDEA what I would do without you. I hope you know I'm always here and I hope you know that I trust you with my life, you are awesome dispite the fact that you don't want to acknowledge it. Everyone knows you are.

I LOVE MY FRIENDS THEY ARE MY SUPPORT SYSTEM AND WITHOUT THEM I WOULD BE A BUBBLING PILE OF MUSH!