You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say, you'll be in my heart, always. ~ Phil Collins
I've been doing a lot of thinking in matters of the heart, not just love, but relationships and everything. It's interesting because I have such good friends (see blog post below) and my family who I love to pieces, my life seems to be going so well. But I've come to terms with something recently that I've known for a while, but haven't really dealt with.
Death, for me, is a very really possiblity. No not in terms of suicide or anything morose like that. But cancer.....well....morality rate is rather high. It's sad to think that I might lose all these relationships earlier then I need to. I think that's the worst part of death, or knowing about death in advance. It gives you time to reflect.
Now, as spring nears, many of my friends are starting the joyous college acceptance process, I don't get that. I mean yes I get accepted, but I don't get to decide where or when I want to go. I have to stay nearby, so I have doctors...I don't get a choice, already me being sick is starting to limit my freedom and I hate it.
The thing about it is, I don't want to be stuck I hate being stuck, I hate being weak and I hate more then anything being dependant. I NEED to be able to go where I want when I want, but recently, I haven't been able to because I've been getting sick too weak to do anything. Already I can tell because my immune system has been shot, it's taken me weeks to get over a cold that normally takes me days, and I'm still not over it yet.
It's getting to me slowly and while it's not depressing or sad, I'm just, missing things. I want to be able to go to a four year college. I want to GRADUATE. I want a relationship like the ones in all those stupid movies that you see with a happily ever after marriage. But right now what I'm stuck with is hoping I make it to 20......A walk to remember is on now as I type this, I find myself relating to Jamie more then I'd like.
I'm sighing now, I really hope this doesn't come off as depressing because I don't mean it to at all....I just wanted to send this out into the cosmos I guess and just let it go. I don't talk about it, not with anyone, because really who wants to be friends with cancer girl if she's going to be a downer right? I go on living, it's what they tell you to do. But I hear reminders everywhere.
Kids talking about donating their hair, hair that one day I could be wearing....stupid stuff, "chewing gum gives you cancer" really cuz I love gum, oh wait I'm cancer girl, no duh. But no one knows and I never say anything, I don't want to end up a yearbook dedication page, or some stupid plaque on the wall of my high school. I want to make it to a renunion.
I always wonder, now that the movie is back on, whether I should do like Jamie does and isolate myself, relationshipwise. It would make it easier for people that's for sure. Then again there are a limited number of people who will be effected, 5 or 6 at the most and then family, but they don't even know, so what does it matter.
Death isn't scary you know, at least not to me, leaving everything I love, that's hard. The thought makes my breath catch in my chest, my lungs tighten and my throat gets all dry, I love my sisters and brothers and boyfriend and other friends so much....I just, hate the thought of them in pain. Sometimes I want to disappear, just so it's better for them.
Lately I've found myself withdrawing from life and it is through no fault of anyone but myself but I've began thinking that I need to be by myself for the best and plus why make the commitment when you never know, right?
This is turning out entirely too depressing for my liking so I'm going to end it here with some more lyrics.
I will be here, don't you cry...this bond between us can't be broken, I will be here don't you cry. ~ Phil Collins
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
At the Beginning With You
First off though this video doesn't have much to do with the blog entry other then giving it it's namesake I absolutely love it and it kind of does applies because it helps me explain how i'm thinking.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KsVMH-jfgBo
Now moving on to the actual blog explaination entry. This is more of an then a rant or any such thing. My friends are always saying things about how amazing I am all this other stuff that friends are suppose to do, and everyday without fail I end up denying it all and we fight. I don't know why I just can't let it be and go along, but it doesn't sit right with me.
To clarify it's not that I doubt their sincerity, My friends are the most amazing loyal trustworthy kind and loving people in the entire world. This is by no means a problem with them it's a problem with myself.
See they say that they don't know what they'd do without me and such, but really, I'm not a great support system, if I were, well then a lot of the things that happened to me wouldn't. My exboyfriend, who consequently I've been thinking about a lot of recent, wouldn't have felt the need to kill himself.
My other friends wouldn't have cut themselves, done drugs, tried to kill teachers, lots of stupid stupid stuff that's happen. If I really am a good friend, why am I unable to help those people? I can help one of my friends who lives across the country, but my friend who I see everyday at school, I can't break her of her anorexia.
Is it normal to be a better online friend then an actual one? Because I think that's what I am. Maybe I'm just a long distance relationship person, but that can't be, because then I wouldn't have sent my friend in connecticut to the hospital where he almost got killed.
Just to reiterate that this is by no means the fault of my friends online or real life. I love you all, and in order to end on a positive note, I'm going to steal an idea from my sissy.
Amy: You handle my craziness amazingly, and even though we don't spend enough time together I love the time we do have! Who else could be so oblivious without being annoyingly innocent?
Enma: Brother oh my goodness where to begin. You are INSANELY TALENTED we'll start there, whether it be with a camera or a pen (metaphoric of course). We definately need to meet one day, you make me so amazingly proud, even though I love to give you a hard time, I love you to pieces. I have no idea what I would do without you, I wouldn't have gotten back into poetry or free-writing, that's for sure. You are an amazing influence and just an amazing person in general, NEVER EVER FORGET THAT.
Dan: My other brother, you make me laugh SO MUCH. You are great at protecting me and I completely trust you to beat the crap out of anyone who I need to. You're smart (something rare in boys these days) and even though I do so much for you, I don't know what I'd do without you. If I ever have a bad day, I can trust you to make me smile. You have so many amazing things about you, your bjj skills, your debateness, your sexyness, and your ability to talk like yoda are just a few of them. You introduced me to UFC fighting and I don't think I ever thanked you properly for that. I'm so lucky to have met you and so glad that stupid judge didn't show up, even though you're going to ditch me for school next year, know that I'm only an IM or text away, espeically when you need someone to explain college girls to you.
Kamali: Oh goodness this is a long one. Strange to think we only got close in sophomore year, right? Now I don't know what I would do without you. You keep me grounded, and it sucks that we don't have more classes together. You can make me laugh and cry and a million other things. You are so sincere and loyal and I trust you with my life, you understand me and know when to be a hardass and when to let things go. Without you to keep be sane a thinking rationally I don't know where I would be. I only hope that I can be half as good a friend to you as you are to me, and I value our friendship more then I value my morning pepsi, just to put it into perspective for you. I get upset when you're not in school, even though we're not in every class together, I feel lonely and depressed and can't help but be emo when you're not around. I worry about you almost constantly and I hope you know that I only do what I do to you because I care. Next time you have issues sleeping I hope you talk to me, because I'm always here and sleep is overrated anyway right?
Faithy: Another person I'm glad to have met, when I'm scaring myself or just afraid in general, I know I can turn to you. You undestand me and my past better then most of my friends at my school. Your text messages brighten my day and I don't know what I would do without you. I get upset when we miss each other and can't talk. To quote a cheesy song "You light up my life". I'm soooo glad that you are there for me and I hope you know I'm always there for you. No matter what day or night. You are adorable and I love you to pieces, though don't break into pieces that would be bad. You are so brave and sweet and sincere and strong, I'm kind of envious of how amazing you are.
Veronica: You too are amazing, you're smart and sincere but know how not to take yourself too seriously. Whether we're discussing politics or palm reading I know we'll have a good time. You and I get each other and kind of instantly click, you don't feel the need to question me and know that I will come to you when I can. I think my feelings can best be explained by our hour and a half talk in my car sitting in your parking lot after 8th grade orientation. Who else would I sit out in the freezing cold with. You keep my secrets and don't gossip, you can joke about others and yourself and you have an amazing voice among your other amazing talents. I love that you're right across the highway and would love to live next to you one day when we're older, how insane would that be right?
Mariah: Beautiful is the best way to describe you, inside and out. No by inside I don't mean your guts and such, though I'm sure they are lovely. You have an amazing personality. You're sweet and humble and loving and so many things I can't even think of how to put into words. I love you with all my heart and I don't know what I would do without your sootheing presence in my life. I trust you so much and know I can go to you whenever I need and I hope you know you can do the same. It is entirely unfair that you live so far away and sometime soon something needs to be done about it. You are so amazing and can make me laugh, smile and blush all at the same time. You're paragraph is short because I can't even put into words how much you mean to me, it's making my head hurt just trying to, but I hope you know that I wouldn't trade you for the world.
And last but certainly not least, Sissy: I don't even know what I would do without you. I'm thankful to have Az now to ease my sissy withdrawl anxiety. You are so amazing and I know you know it, even if you won't admit it to yourself. I'm so lucky to have met you, that was the only positive thing to come out of having my cyst. I know I can go to you whenever and you help me through so much, more then you even know. Just knowing you're online and at the other side of the computer talking to me and caring, it's just amazing. It makes me smile just thinking about it.
I am jealous of you because you are so amazing, you are confident (even though you don't want to admit it) sure of yourself, and such a sweetheart. I can only hope that I meet more people like you in my life because then I would be so unbelievably happy all the time. I hope everyone in the world has someone as perfectly and astoundingly amazing as you are, because if not they are missing out.
You are such a major part of my life and it's insane to think we met so recently, I would do anything and give anything to protect you. You make my life better and when you are sad I can't help but be sad. You support me in everything I do and without your help and guidence I have no idea what I would do. You are the best big sister in the world and I have NO IDEA what I would do without you. I hope you know I'm always here and I hope you know that I trust you with my life, you are awesome dispite the fact that you don't want to acknowledge it. Everyone knows you are.
I LOVE MY FRIENDS THEY ARE MY SUPPORT SYSTEM AND WITHOUT THEM I WOULD BE A BUBBLING PILE OF MUSH!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Leave the past behind you
Recently all my friends have been upset or depressed or just generally had dramatic weeks. I feel so bad for all of them, I want to help but I don't know how. I keep ending up isolating myself out of fear.
I've gone to pyschologist for a while, I think about 10 years or so. They say a lot of stuff is wrong with me, but frankly I don't care. The only thing that I know they were definately write about is the depression. But I refuse to take anti-depressants, I've been down that road before and I hate it.
Anti-depressants make you feel so empty, like your a shell, you care even less about things then you did when you were regularlly depressed. I also thought more about killing myself while on those meds then in any other time in my life. So I said a big SCREW YOU to them and haven't taken them in years. I don't need to. Not because I don't get depressed, but because they won't help me even when I do.
One thing going to shrinks taught me, was how to tell when I'm depressed and to look for the cause. It's weird thinking back on how bad I use to be. When I was changing into my pajamas today I looked down and saw 2 things, a scar from my surgery and the cuts i had willingly inflicted upon myself.
None of my friends see these scars, they don't bother to look and I'm greatful. They're not in the typical cutter places. I didn't want to be caught, so why cut somewhere plainly visible. I cut my hips, my thighs. Places no one sees unless I'm undressing and you're specifically looking. Teachers were never the wiser, nor friends. Most of them still don't know and wouldn't if i continued.
It's been 4 years since 10 of my friends took their lives in a sucide pact, and what have I learned from it? Nothing. I still get depressed. I still have my notebook with the list of every way I could kill myself using things in my room sitting on my bedstand. I'm no different then back then, except now I can hide it better.
How do you get yourself out of therapy? Simple. Learn to act. I have this one personality that never ever gets sad. It gets my through my days, my friends see me and I smile and talk and my teachers see me and I volunteer and socialize. I'm your average American teenager. My mom comes home and I'm on the computer happily chatting with my friends, watching TV and listening to my ipod. No one thinks anything of it.
Most of the time, my other side stays quiet, so much so I even forget it's there. But I get run down, and overwhelmed, and I can't take it. Something dumb will trigger it and i'll just come home and cry, silently of course because we wouldn't want the parents to notice. I curl up in a ball, and IM my friends, continuing whatever mindless conversation we are having, but while I wait for their responses I can't help but look at the container of pills sitting on my desk drawer and wonder what if.
What sucks about being depressed and knowing it, is you feel like there's always something you did wrong to cause it. You just want to feel happy and good and smile because then you know there's a chance in hell that you can actually survive. But then you'll laugh or smile and hate yourself for it, there's no reason to laugh! Your life is crap! Why are you laughing and smiling when as soon as you stop thinking about the joke or w/e made you laugh you'll go back to remember the test you bombed, how you have no chance to get into college, you have no one to be with when all your friends do, you're a perpetual third wheel, the people you closest to are dispursed across the state, country, and world. The list never ends.
But you have to be strong, it's what I'm known for after all. I can't be upset until my friends are taken care of. That's just how it is. Them first, me last. So for now, I can't be upset, after all my birthdays next friday and who would want that? I was already depressed last time we were all together, i don't want to be like that again. I want to laugh and smile and truely mean it. I don't want to have to worry about whether I'm smiling when everyone's watching me, it would be such a relief it i could just be me. But for now I can't. I'll have to wait until I'm normal and happy.
Anyway I'm going to stop now before I start rambling and this all becomes mindless nonsense.
I've gone to pyschologist for a while, I think about 10 years or so. They say a lot of stuff is wrong with me, but frankly I don't care. The only thing that I know they were definately write about is the depression. But I refuse to take anti-depressants, I've been down that road before and I hate it.
Anti-depressants make you feel so empty, like your a shell, you care even less about things then you did when you were regularlly depressed. I also thought more about killing myself while on those meds then in any other time in my life. So I said a big SCREW YOU to them and haven't taken them in years. I don't need to. Not because I don't get depressed, but because they won't help me even when I do.
One thing going to shrinks taught me, was how to tell when I'm depressed and to look for the cause. It's weird thinking back on how bad I use to be. When I was changing into my pajamas today I looked down and saw 2 things, a scar from my surgery and the cuts i had willingly inflicted upon myself.
None of my friends see these scars, they don't bother to look and I'm greatful. They're not in the typical cutter places. I didn't want to be caught, so why cut somewhere plainly visible. I cut my hips, my thighs. Places no one sees unless I'm undressing and you're specifically looking. Teachers were never the wiser, nor friends. Most of them still don't know and wouldn't if i continued.
It's been 4 years since 10 of my friends took their lives in a sucide pact, and what have I learned from it? Nothing. I still get depressed. I still have my notebook with the list of every way I could kill myself using things in my room sitting on my bedstand. I'm no different then back then, except now I can hide it better.
How do you get yourself out of therapy? Simple. Learn to act. I have this one personality that never ever gets sad. It gets my through my days, my friends see me and I smile and talk and my teachers see me and I volunteer and socialize. I'm your average American teenager. My mom comes home and I'm on the computer happily chatting with my friends, watching TV and listening to my ipod. No one thinks anything of it.
Most of the time, my other side stays quiet, so much so I even forget it's there. But I get run down, and overwhelmed, and I can't take it. Something dumb will trigger it and i'll just come home and cry, silently of course because we wouldn't want the parents to notice. I curl up in a ball, and IM my friends, continuing whatever mindless conversation we are having, but while I wait for their responses I can't help but look at the container of pills sitting on my desk drawer and wonder what if.
What sucks about being depressed and knowing it, is you feel like there's always something you did wrong to cause it. You just want to feel happy and good and smile because then you know there's a chance in hell that you can actually survive. But then you'll laugh or smile and hate yourself for it, there's no reason to laugh! Your life is crap! Why are you laughing and smiling when as soon as you stop thinking about the joke or w/e made you laugh you'll go back to remember the test you bombed, how you have no chance to get into college, you have no one to be with when all your friends do, you're a perpetual third wheel, the people you closest to are dispursed across the state, country, and world. The list never ends.
But you have to be strong, it's what I'm known for after all. I can't be upset until my friends are taken care of. That's just how it is. Them first, me last. So for now, I can't be upset, after all my birthdays next friday and who would want that? I was already depressed last time we were all together, i don't want to be like that again. I want to laugh and smile and truely mean it. I don't want to have to worry about whether I'm smiling when everyone's watching me, it would be such a relief it i could just be me. But for now I can't. I'll have to wait until I'm normal and happy.
Anyway I'm going to stop now before I start rambling and this all becomes mindless nonsense.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
I Predict A Riot
Now don't tell anyone, but this might actually be a happy, positive blog. -gasp- I know it's amazing. I'm mainly writing about how bored I am. BUT on the bright side school starts Thursday. SENIORS OH NINE BABY! I can't wait, one of the good things about my school, is no matter how much we all hate each other, we get along pretty well. So I can't wait to see everyone back from summer vacation and miss everyone who left (John Aponte, we miss you, come back from hickville).
Can you believe that after this school year I'll be in college? Creepy huh? I'll be living out of state most likely and our whole gang will be spliting up to go our different ways. But the scariest part is I'm not really worried about my furture. I was already accepted to two colleges so I have fall backs. I can have Senioritis starting Septemember because I've already been accepted, gross huh?
Lets see what else should I talk about. Oh the characters in my story are evil, and don't want to let me write any more because they're throwing hissy fits. Don't you hate it when that happens? Apparently the "e" button on my keyboard is being tempermental, I'll have to fix that later.
OH OK! I know what to write about. On Thursday I gave Dan, yes the same Dan previously mentioned. A make over because he realized he had the fashion sense of a stump. So we, I had to drag my friend Crystal along because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it myself, go to the mall and first off we can't find him in the parking lot. So after about 15 minutes of crappy directions we finally find him and go into JC Penny.
We get him some nice clothes, like a modified skater style. We're there for about 45 minutes and are checking out and he asks all happily "Ok are we done now?" and the saddest part was HE BELIEVED WE WERE ONLY GOING TO ONE STORE. The cashier is cracking up and so is the lady behind us and we just drag him out. Now you think that would be his one bit of stupidity for the day, but no Dan exceeds expectations.
He asks us who came up with the rules for layering (We were in Aeropastle' which by the way he'd never heard of). And the clerk is just like "it's not rules it's just common sense" and walks away. Then a few minutes later he's yelling about Prince Alberts.....great just what we need to be discussing in the middle of Aero.
Finally we drag him to Old Navy, where we asked him how many pairs of Jeans he has and he tells us 5, not bad....But then he tells us he only wears two because "When you first put on the other ones they're STIFF" can you believe him. I wanted to find the nearest pointy object and impale my head on it. So finally after 3 and 1/2 hours and blood sweat and tears, daniel had some nice clothes. Now we're walking back to JC Penny and his dad calls APPARENTLY this was all suppose to be a suprise/ secret. So he told his dad he was going to see a movie, by himself.
However because he's an idiot when he gets home he leaves the bags where anyone could see it. Now he's stuck putting on a fashion show for his mom, who, compliments our makeover abilities. Then he IMs me and says "Can I have a list of what shirts go with what pants.....i forgot."
Can you believe that after this school year I'll be in college? Creepy huh? I'll be living out of state most likely and our whole gang will be spliting up to go our different ways. But the scariest part is I'm not really worried about my furture. I was already accepted to two colleges so I have fall backs. I can have Senioritis starting Septemember because I've already been accepted, gross huh?
Lets see what else should I talk about. Oh the characters in my story are evil, and don't want to let me write any more because they're throwing hissy fits. Don't you hate it when that happens? Apparently the "e" button on my keyboard is being tempermental, I'll have to fix that later.
OH OK! I know what to write about. On Thursday I gave Dan, yes the same Dan previously mentioned. A make over because he realized he had the fashion sense of a stump. So we, I had to drag my friend Crystal along because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it myself, go to the mall and first off we can't find him in the parking lot. So after about 15 minutes of crappy directions we finally find him and go into JC Penny.
We get him some nice clothes, like a modified skater style. We're there for about 45 minutes and are checking out and he asks all happily "Ok are we done now?" and the saddest part was HE BELIEVED WE WERE ONLY GOING TO ONE STORE. The cashier is cracking up and so is the lady behind us and we just drag him out. Now you think that would be his one bit of stupidity for the day, but no Dan exceeds expectations.
He asks us who came up with the rules for layering (We were in Aeropastle' which by the way he'd never heard of). And the clerk is just like "it's not rules it's just common sense" and walks away. Then a few minutes later he's yelling about Prince Alberts.....great just what we need to be discussing in the middle of Aero.
Finally we drag him to Old Navy, where we asked him how many pairs of Jeans he has and he tells us 5, not bad....But then he tells us he only wears two because "When you first put on the other ones they're STIFF" can you believe him. I wanted to find the nearest pointy object and impale my head on it. So finally after 3 and 1/2 hours and blood sweat and tears, daniel had some nice clothes. Now we're walking back to JC Penny and his dad calls APPARENTLY this was all suppose to be a suprise/ secret. So he told his dad he was going to see a movie, by himself.
However because he's an idiot when he gets home he leaves the bags where anyone could see it. Now he's stuck putting on a fashion show for his mom, who, compliments our makeover abilities. Then he IMs me and says "Can I have a list of what shirts go with what pants.....i forgot."
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
changing fate installment 1
This is a story I started writing last year. I hate it but a certain friend (Kamali) will kill me if I don't post it so she can read. I kind of value my life so here it is,
CHANGING FATE
Prologue
Caylix stood there coffee in one hand, green spiral notebook (with pen shoved in the bindings) in the other. She looked around at the other fourteen students who stood in the obnoxiously clean, bright, white room, each one looking more awkward then the next. Their eyes shifted from each other, to the black and white clock, which read some ungodly hour, to the professor.
Somewhere in the distance Lix heard a buzzer along with some grunting, through the small rectangular window she saw a mass of orange jumpsuits. She sighed, what had she gotten herself into. She backed away from the door as a uniformed arm opened it. The unsmiling crowd shuffled in and stood opposite Caylix and the other college students.
Caylix's red hair singled her out in the crowd of black and brown haired people, but there was one thing, jailed or not, that everyone had in common, they were all...young.....too young, in her opinion. She pouted her rose-colored lips and her eyebrows scrunched her freckled forehead, these kids should being in college, what were they doing in a maximum security prison in New York.
Professor Gann slowly but confidently ambled over to someone Lix only assumed could be the prison warden. The two spoke quickly, judging by the furious movements over their mouths, and quietly. Soon enough the pair separated and went to their respective groups.
“Well then guys and gals, what's going to happen is this, Warden Gerber over there is going to read a name of a prisoner of his list and I will read a name off of mine, you two will then become best friends. You're job is to listen to them, be their friends, they're all around your age so it should not be so hard. Visit them once a week at least and try to visit on or around the holidays, most of these guys don't have family to visit them so you're gonna take that place. It's only October so there are plenty of holidays coming up to celebrate, now I'll talk to everyone more once we get back to the University, right now I'm wasting time,” He said as he walked back over to the officer.
They both pulled out clipboards and scrolled down it with a finger, if the atmosphere wasn't so creepy and silent and eerie for lack of a better term, Caylix would have laughed. The was an intake of breath from everyone in the room as the first pair was called. The red head leaned against the wall one of the joys of having a last name starting with W was that you always had time to kill when it came to things like partners.
Caylix stopped her humming and tuned back in around the Ts waiting to hear her name, and about thirty seconds later, it was called. “Caylix Wiliston,” at the same time as the warden barked “Cain Rutherford.”
Her head snapped up as she looked for the inmate that responded to that name, it couldn't be her Cain. Her Cain was, well......not him. As her eyes finally stopped at the boy who had his arm raised at the elbow and his shaved head pointed down toward his ratty, tattering sneakers, her heart stopped. Her Cain, was there.
Head down and eyes on the floor, she dragged herself over to her new, 'best friend'. It was going to be a long semester, that was for sure.
Chapter 1
Cain snorted, just his luck. He had lived in the city for about three years now, two of which he had been in this prison, and the first human contact he got that wasn't a fellow inmate or staffer was the one person who actually knew him. He followed the rest of the inmates as they left the waiting room and went into a room that was normally for lawyers. On this occasion however, it was set up with fourteen smaller tables with two chairs at each. There were already two guards by the doors when the crowd entered the Plexiglas walled room.
Cain decided the gods actually hated him, he had always thought it was just a mutual dislike thing going on, but if there was any god who liked him they would have prevented this travesty from occurring. Travesty, yes travesty he wasn't stupid he knew what the word travesty meant. Anyway he needed to focus on the matters at hand. He took a seat at a table in the middle of the room, plopping himself down heavily in the ice-cold uncomfortable folding chair and slouching, his body giving of the ultimate sense of apathy. He didn't even look to see if Caylix was following, she would be, he knew it.
No sooner had he finished that thought he heard the scraping on metal on linoleum and a soft sigh as a pair of freckled hands appeared on the table in his line of vision. He looked up smirking, taking in the girl for the first time. Her haircut was short and jagged, making it look constantly windswept, her eyes were the same emerald green he remembered from all those years ago. She definitely had grown up though, she looked good, he wasn't going to lie.
“So,” Cain began lacing his fingers together and resting them behind his head, the smirk never leaving his face.
“So,” Caylix said staring at the boy a questioning look on her face as she tried to determine what happened to the boy. Eventually, she sighed in defeat, “What happened to you Cain? Last time I saw you was the end of high school 3 years ago.....”
That was all Cain needed to hear, his mind was off. Thinking of the first time he had met Lix. He had been six and it was the summer before kindergarten. He remembered it was a hot day because he had been running around in his power rangers swimsuit, chasing his older brother Alex, through the sprinkler. Cain loved summer, he was always fond of warm weather, ever since he was a baby or so his parents said.
The big white truck that shadowed the brothers was an unusual sight one Belladonna Avenue and Cain remembered watching in fascination as the sixteen-wheeled contraption pulled into the drive across the street from him. It was old man Schuler's house, but he had gone into a home a few months ago and the house had been empty ever since. A small blue car followed the truck and parked on the side of the road, out stepped a man in a suit, a mother wearing a similar suit in white and pink and a little redheaded girl in a frilly green dress that matched her eyes.
She looked like one of those dolls that Cain saw the girls play with a preschool, except she was somehow, better. She seemed to glow like she was some kind of star or something. Mesmerized, Cain made his way to start across the street and talk to the girl, after all Mom always told him to make new friends. He had one foot off the curb when he felt his brother pull him back.
“You're not allowed to cross the street Cain,” Alex said, playing the protective older brother, as always. Cain responded by pouting, which lead Alex to get their mother.
“Cain.....Cain....are you there, earth to Cain Rutherford,” the melodic voice snapping him out of his flashbacks.
Chapter 2
“Wha?” Cain said shaking his head in an attempt to get the memory out of his mind, but ultimately failing.
“I said,” Caylix began as she put her notebook and camera down on the plastic table, “What happened to you? I mean I knew you were in trouble but I never knew it was this bad.”
“Well....” The boy began with a sigh and a mysterious look, like he was trying to remember.
Caylix remembered, she remembered everything, including the first day they met. They had moved from The Hamptons down into New Jersey because father had wanted a change. She had been wearing one of her favorite dresses: a heavy forest green babydoll with white lace trim and collars.
She had gotten out of the car and looked around, the grass was so green it almost matched her dress, it was very hot and sunny where ever they were. She looked around and across the street there were two boys playing in the sprinkler. One of the boys was staring at her, so she quickly ran and hid behind her mother, hoping that when she peered around he would be gone.
When Caylix peered around her mother she found she was right, sort of. The boy had obviously left but he came back with mother in hand. So she retreated once more.
The mothers talked pleasantly, relating over their children and this little small town and while the were clucking like hens the boy had broken away from his mother. He was now grabbing Caylix's hand “Hi I'm Cain and that's my brother Alex over there in the sprinkler, I'll take you to meet him,” the rambling young boy said as he began pulling her toward his front yard.
Caylix pulled her arm out of the boy's grasp remaining silent as she went back to her mother, glaring at the boy the whole time.
“Hello Lixy? Wake up, I asked why you were here on a Saturday as oppose to out doing what sensational college students normally partake in,” Cain said his smug smile growing as he talked to the girl.
Caylix groaned and glared, “I told you never to call me that. I'm here as a project for my sociology class and yes this is for a grade so please even though it's hard for you, try not to be a jerk. I need this course to graduate.”
Cain kept his lax demeanor, for someone in prison he sure seemed like he was having a good time, “Whatever you say babycakes, so we done here yet?”
Chapter 3
“Honestly do you ever pay attention Cain,” Caylix said. “I'm going to be here at least once a week maybe more. If you didn't care about this then why did you sign up for the program? This is a serious..”
“Three years and you still haven't stopped nagging. Was there ever a day in your life where you actually had fun,” Cain asked.
“Yes,” Caylix said stubbornly, “The first day of school.”
“God you are such a nerd,” the boy snarled.
“Not because of school, do you even remember that day?”
“Yes that was the day our mothers planned our wedding and future because we walked to school holding hands.”
“Really, that's all you remember,” Caylix said eying him, genuinely curious.
“Nothing else happened,” Cain said plainly. He saw the girl's mouth open, no doubt to disagree with what he said, but as she did a buzzer sounded causing the girl to jump and Cain to laugh.
A voice sounded out over the speaker system, “We're going to call that a day guys, please get your inmates name and basic information and plan your next visit. Then report to the waiting room so we can stop for breakfast,” the voice instructed.
The girl across the table sighed, “Alright Cain, when do you have visiting hours,” she asked pulling her pen out from behind her ear.
“Whenever you're here, I'm here Lixy,” he said a confident smile playing at his features, “just call me and I'll be there. I'm sure you can fill out the rest of my information with your eyes closed. Later doll,” he said getting up from the table and going to talk to the guards who smiled as he approached.
After a few minutes he chanced a look back at and saw the girl flabbergasted and frozen in place, he couldn't help but laugh. He turned back to the guard and explained the situation to them,
they in turn laughed appreciatively finding the same humor in the situation as Cain had.
He waited as the the groups filed out, and as Caylix passed him, a look of determined hatred on her face and he arched an eyebrow at the guards a mischievous smirk on his face as he smacked the girl's butt, “Later toots.”
Caylix turned back to him mouth agape as she left in a huff.
“Couldn't help it,” he said to the guards as he left the room and went out to smoke, smiling to himself quite satisfied with the events of the early morning.
CHANGING FATE
Prologue
Caylix stood there coffee in one hand, green spiral notebook (with pen shoved in the bindings) in the other. She looked around at the other fourteen students who stood in the obnoxiously clean, bright, white room, each one looking more awkward then the next. Their eyes shifted from each other, to the black and white clock, which read some ungodly hour, to the professor.
Somewhere in the distance Lix heard a buzzer along with some grunting, through the small rectangular window she saw a mass of orange jumpsuits. She sighed, what had she gotten herself into. She backed away from the door as a uniformed arm opened it. The unsmiling crowd shuffled in and stood opposite Caylix and the other college students.
Caylix's red hair singled her out in the crowd of black and brown haired people, but there was one thing, jailed or not, that everyone had in common, they were all...young.....too young, in her opinion. She pouted her rose-colored lips and her eyebrows scrunched her freckled forehead, these kids should being in college, what were they doing in a maximum security prison in New York.
Professor Gann slowly but confidently ambled over to someone Lix only assumed could be the prison warden. The two spoke quickly, judging by the furious movements over their mouths, and quietly. Soon enough the pair separated and went to their respective groups.
“Well then guys and gals, what's going to happen is this, Warden Gerber over there is going to read a name of a prisoner of his list and I will read a name off of mine, you two will then become best friends. You're job is to listen to them, be their friends, they're all around your age so it should not be so hard. Visit them once a week at least and try to visit on or around the holidays, most of these guys don't have family to visit them so you're gonna take that place. It's only October so there are plenty of holidays coming up to celebrate, now I'll talk to everyone more once we get back to the University, right now I'm wasting time,” He said as he walked back over to the officer.
They both pulled out clipboards and scrolled down it with a finger, if the atmosphere wasn't so creepy and silent and eerie for lack of a better term, Caylix would have laughed. The was an intake of breath from everyone in the room as the first pair was called. The red head leaned against the wall one of the joys of having a last name starting with W was that you always had time to kill when it came to things like partners.
Caylix stopped her humming and tuned back in around the Ts waiting to hear her name, and about thirty seconds later, it was called. “Caylix Wiliston,” at the same time as the warden barked “Cain Rutherford.”
Her head snapped up as she looked for the inmate that responded to that name, it couldn't be her Cain. Her Cain was, well......not him. As her eyes finally stopped at the boy who had his arm raised at the elbow and his shaved head pointed down toward his ratty, tattering sneakers, her heart stopped. Her Cain, was there.
Head down and eyes on the floor, she dragged herself over to her new, 'best friend'. It was going to be a long semester, that was for sure.
Chapter 1
Cain snorted, just his luck. He had lived in the city for about three years now, two of which he had been in this prison, and the first human contact he got that wasn't a fellow inmate or staffer was the one person who actually knew him. He followed the rest of the inmates as they left the waiting room and went into a room that was normally for lawyers. On this occasion however, it was set up with fourteen smaller tables with two chairs at each. There were already two guards by the doors when the crowd entered the Plexiglas walled room.
Cain decided the gods actually hated him, he had always thought it was just a mutual dislike thing going on, but if there was any god who liked him they would have prevented this travesty from occurring. Travesty, yes travesty he wasn't stupid he knew what the word travesty meant. Anyway he needed to focus on the matters at hand. He took a seat at a table in the middle of the room, plopping himself down heavily in the ice-cold uncomfortable folding chair and slouching, his body giving of the ultimate sense of apathy. He didn't even look to see if Caylix was following, she would be, he knew it.
No sooner had he finished that thought he heard the scraping on metal on linoleum and a soft sigh as a pair of freckled hands appeared on the table in his line of vision. He looked up smirking, taking in the girl for the first time. Her haircut was short and jagged, making it look constantly windswept, her eyes were the same emerald green he remembered from all those years ago. She definitely had grown up though, she looked good, he wasn't going to lie.
“So,” Cain began lacing his fingers together and resting them behind his head, the smirk never leaving his face.
“So,” Caylix said staring at the boy a questioning look on her face as she tried to determine what happened to the boy. Eventually, she sighed in defeat, “What happened to you Cain? Last time I saw you was the end of high school 3 years ago.....”
That was all Cain needed to hear, his mind was off. Thinking of the first time he had met Lix. He had been six and it was the summer before kindergarten. He remembered it was a hot day because he had been running around in his power rangers swimsuit, chasing his older brother Alex, through the sprinkler. Cain loved summer, he was always fond of warm weather, ever since he was a baby or so his parents said.
The big white truck that shadowed the brothers was an unusual sight one Belladonna Avenue and Cain remembered watching in fascination as the sixteen-wheeled contraption pulled into the drive across the street from him. It was old man Schuler's house, but he had gone into a home a few months ago and the house had been empty ever since. A small blue car followed the truck and parked on the side of the road, out stepped a man in a suit, a mother wearing a similar suit in white and pink and a little redheaded girl in a frilly green dress that matched her eyes.
She looked like one of those dolls that Cain saw the girls play with a preschool, except she was somehow, better. She seemed to glow like she was some kind of star or something. Mesmerized, Cain made his way to start across the street and talk to the girl, after all Mom always told him to make new friends. He had one foot off the curb when he felt his brother pull him back.
“You're not allowed to cross the street Cain,” Alex said, playing the protective older brother, as always. Cain responded by pouting, which lead Alex to get their mother.
“Cain.....Cain....are you there, earth to Cain Rutherford,” the melodic voice snapping him out of his flashbacks.
Chapter 2
“Wha?” Cain said shaking his head in an attempt to get the memory out of his mind, but ultimately failing.
“I said,” Caylix began as she put her notebook and camera down on the plastic table, “What happened to you? I mean I knew you were in trouble but I never knew it was this bad.”
“Well....” The boy began with a sigh and a mysterious look, like he was trying to remember.
Caylix remembered, she remembered everything, including the first day they met. They had moved from The Hamptons down into New Jersey because father had wanted a change. She had been wearing one of her favorite dresses: a heavy forest green babydoll with white lace trim and collars.
She had gotten out of the car and looked around, the grass was so green it almost matched her dress, it was very hot and sunny where ever they were. She looked around and across the street there were two boys playing in the sprinkler. One of the boys was staring at her, so she quickly ran and hid behind her mother, hoping that when she peered around he would be gone.
When Caylix peered around her mother she found she was right, sort of. The boy had obviously left but he came back with mother in hand. So she retreated once more.
The mothers talked pleasantly, relating over their children and this little small town and while the were clucking like hens the boy had broken away from his mother. He was now grabbing Caylix's hand “Hi I'm Cain and that's my brother Alex over there in the sprinkler, I'll take you to meet him,” the rambling young boy said as he began pulling her toward his front yard.
Caylix pulled her arm out of the boy's grasp remaining silent as she went back to her mother, glaring at the boy the whole time.
“Hello Lixy? Wake up, I asked why you were here on a Saturday as oppose to out doing what sensational college students normally partake in,” Cain said his smug smile growing as he talked to the girl.
Caylix groaned and glared, “I told you never to call me that. I'm here as a project for my sociology class and yes this is for a grade so please even though it's hard for you, try not to be a jerk. I need this course to graduate.”
Cain kept his lax demeanor, for someone in prison he sure seemed like he was having a good time, “Whatever you say babycakes, so we done here yet?”
Chapter 3
“Honestly do you ever pay attention Cain,” Caylix said. “I'm going to be here at least once a week maybe more. If you didn't care about this then why did you sign up for the program? This is a serious..”
“Three years and you still haven't stopped nagging. Was there ever a day in your life where you actually had fun,” Cain asked.
“Yes,” Caylix said stubbornly, “The first day of school.”
“God you are such a nerd,” the boy snarled.
“Not because of school, do you even remember that day?”
“Yes that was the day our mothers planned our wedding and future because we walked to school holding hands.”
“Really, that's all you remember,” Caylix said eying him, genuinely curious.
“Nothing else happened,” Cain said plainly. He saw the girl's mouth open, no doubt to disagree with what he said, but as she did a buzzer sounded causing the girl to jump and Cain to laugh.
A voice sounded out over the speaker system, “We're going to call that a day guys, please get your inmates name and basic information and plan your next visit. Then report to the waiting room so we can stop for breakfast,” the voice instructed.
The girl across the table sighed, “Alright Cain, when do you have visiting hours,” she asked pulling her pen out from behind her ear.
“Whenever you're here, I'm here Lixy,” he said a confident smile playing at his features, “just call me and I'll be there. I'm sure you can fill out the rest of my information with your eyes closed. Later doll,” he said getting up from the table and going to talk to the guards who smiled as he approached.
After a few minutes he chanced a look back at and saw the girl flabbergasted and frozen in place, he couldn't help but laugh. He turned back to the guard and explained the situation to them,
they in turn laughed appreciatively finding the same humor in the situation as Cain had.
He waited as the the groups filed out, and as Caylix passed him, a look of determined hatred on her face and he arched an eyebrow at the guards a mischievous smirk on his face as he smacked the girl's butt, “Later toots.”
Caylix turned back to him mouth agape as she left in a huff.
“Couldn't help it,” he said to the guards as he left the room and went out to smoke, smiling to himself quite satisfied with the events of the early morning.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Lover Of My Soul
Soulmates, I have decided, are overrated. To quote one of my favorite shows ever, BARE "Not all tales have happy endings." Well, I've decided that means that not all soulmates are meant to stay together. You figure something like ten years of being in a relationship would mean something, but all that ends up happening is CRAP. I'm in a foul mood. Reading all my friends blogs about how worried they are about bringing kids into this world, and worrying about finding the right people. Knowing that I had that and lost it SUCKS hardcore.
Thomas as I shall now call him, and I dated for a decade, on and off. Yes that's right since I was 7 I've been with this boy. Our love life is more twisted then any book or soap opera you will ever read, so I will sum it up very briefly in a paragraph. We met in dance class, were paired up for duet competition. He moved away in 5th grade to tennessee, came back in 8th grade, we dated until spring of this year when his father decided that I was ruining his life. Daddy shipped him off to year round boarding school 3 states away. We broke up (on good terms) because we were making each other physically ill (long story that I won't get into). There are your basics.
Seriously though, after being together for ten years, I don't want to hear about your new girlfriend, or your excellent sex life. Sorry I'm wasn't willing to go that far, but if I didn't want to do that with someone I love why the hell would I want to read about it? I don't care if we were going to stay close friends and all this. I don't need to know this stuff. I ask you how everything is going with Cheryl and you say "Well." end of conversation. I don't need to know what you were doing in bed at the boarding school...and under the tree....and by the lake......
So for right now, while I continue to recieve these e-mails and put myself through the torture of reading them, I shall remain pessimistic. You know becoming and nun and working at an abbey is looking better by the day now. I wouldn't have to deal with college crap either....I wonder what qualifications you need to become a nun, other then being religious....
Thomas as I shall now call him, and I dated for a decade, on and off. Yes that's right since I was 7 I've been with this boy. Our love life is more twisted then any book or soap opera you will ever read, so I will sum it up very briefly in a paragraph. We met in dance class, were paired up for duet competition. He moved away in 5th grade to tennessee, came back in 8th grade, we dated until spring of this year when his father decided that I was ruining his life. Daddy shipped him off to year round boarding school 3 states away. We broke up (on good terms) because we were making each other physically ill (long story that I won't get into). There are your basics.
Seriously though, after being together for ten years, I don't want to hear about your new girlfriend, or your excellent sex life. Sorry I'm wasn't willing to go that far, but if I didn't want to do that with someone I love why the hell would I want to read about it? I don't care if we were going to stay close friends and all this. I don't need to know this stuff. I ask you how everything is going with Cheryl and you say "Well." end of conversation. I don't need to know what you were doing in bed at the boarding school...and under the tree....and by the lake......
So for right now, while I continue to recieve these e-mails and put myself through the torture of reading them, I shall remain pessimistic. You know becoming and nun and working at an abbey is looking better by the day now. I wouldn't have to deal with college crap either....I wonder what qualifications you need to become a nun, other then being religious....
Thursday, August 14, 2008
El Captain
That title so suits this blog. In case you don't know (I don't expect anyone who is not in band to know) El Captain is like THE marching band song. Today was day 2 of band camp YAY! My section (Mellophones though we hang with the trumpets because we try to keep all the awesome people together) is AMAZING. The new members work hard and do as their told and don't complain like ever. Even when we yell and scream and run around like crazy people. They're going to have serious biceps from standing at attention. Practice went well, they know their music and we got through 10 pages of our 44 page drill. If we keep going like that, we'll have the show done by Saturday morning which is amazing!
I went to a party afterward, it was a few of the kids from my grade, one girl from the grade below us and like ten people from the grade above us. Our whole group was really close, so because 10 of them are going off to college starting Friday ( *tear tear* ). So it was a goodbye party and we're sitting there talking about relationships who is with who and whatever. I guess something struck a nerve, I've been annoyed/depressed ever since I guess. I don't really know. I guess I'm just in a funk.
I don't know why I'm down in the dumps. Band is going well. I should be right as rain, yet I can't help feeling kind of lost i guess, if that makes sense. I'm not trying to be profound, just thinking as I type. I need someone to like just read my mind and tell me what I'm think and interpt it for me. Any takers?
I went to a party afterward, it was a few of the kids from my grade, one girl from the grade below us and like ten people from the grade above us. Our whole group was really close, so because 10 of them are going off to college starting Friday ( *tear tear* ). So it was a goodbye party and we're sitting there talking about relationships who is with who and whatever. I guess something struck a nerve, I've been annoyed/depressed ever since I guess. I don't really know. I guess I'm just in a funk.
I don't know why I'm down in the dumps. Band is going well. I should be right as rain, yet I can't help feeling kind of lost i guess, if that makes sense. I'm not trying to be profound, just thinking as I type. I need someone to like just read my mind and tell me what I'm think and interpt it for me. Any takers?
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