Where I can be myself again

Ok so I've never had a blog before, but my friends have them and apparently they're very theraputic so I'd figure i'd give it a try because right now some therapy may be just what I need. Haha just writing that is funny because if my mom ever read that she'd die. She spent so many years sending me to shrinks to try and make sure I had the perfect normal life, needless to say none of them worked because I was fine when I went to them. Eventually she gave up and now, years later, I'm talking about needing therapy. Just a little messed up huh?

Anyway the reason behind starting this is probably the same reason millions of girls keep journals and stuff, love. It's way too confusing and complicated, so I decided today I'm taking a dating/love hiatus, but that's not the point. The point is I have three guys throwing themselves at me, two of which I don't even like and the third guy being engaged. BIG NO NO! So I don't do anything but still it's weird the way he acts, like he keeps reminding himself he's engaged when he's around me and how wrong it is that we talk (because that's all we do). So that's got me all confused, seriously if you don't want me talking to you, tell me and I'll stop. But then you also need to stop texting and calling and stuff too.

Then there's also the fact that I think I have a crush on my best friend (ugh so cliche' it's sickening). But I most definately know that there's no way the feelings are returned because a) we're too close and b) he's told me thousands of times he doesn't like girls with colored skin (he's not racist or anything they just aren't his type). So I need to stop liking him like, now. Especially since I'm suppose to be finding him a girlfriend. That's not going to well since his type apparently doesn't exsist, but I'll keep looking. Anyone know a pretty smart non-religious girl who likes debating and gaming? No one? didn't think so.

Now, because my life isn't confusing enough I have to add in one more guy, my ex boyfriend who I've been seeing on and off for 10 years (i know long time). He lives up in Connecticut and goes to a year round boarding school (i know suck). But the thing is while I love him and always will, we make each other sick, literally physically ill to the point of needing doctors and hospitalization. I don't know how or why it happens but it just does. Anyway to try and solve our sickness issue we decided (together) that it would be best if we didn't date anymore. But like I said before 10 years is a long time, the only time we haven't been together is when we broke up and hated each other, not because of some mutual agreement for health reasons. I don't know what to do there because I'm pretty sure he still cares about me but I don't want to do anything because being sick kind of does suck (even though I'm always sick. Seriously it's like verb it's what you do, well being sick is what I do).

Well even though this solved none of my problems at least they're out there floating amongst the cosmos, hopefully I'll have answers in the morning. I wonder if there's like a cure all for love lives (like chicken soup is for any illness).......